(I think I made you up inside my head.)

Lush and gorgeous in black and white, Mickey Keating's 2015 psychological horror Darling has drawn very obvious comparisons to Repulsion, Roman Polanski's 1965 film most known for its prototypical use of a female killer, practically unheard of in the genre at the time. Although flawed, it's an homage that commands—and deserves—attention.

With the absence of modern markers and technology, it looks to be lost in time, and it's a large New York mansion (with a dark history, naturally) that sets the perfect stage for the unnamed title character, who spends most of the film alone, to slowly lose her grip on reality. The movie is told in chapters, the moments that tie it together quietly unnerving and almost coming off as non-sequiturs serving only to illustrate that descent into madness—which, come to think of it, is kind of the point. The only distinct plot lines involve the young woman's sudden, furious fixations on a man from the neighborhood and a locked door upstairs. And by the time the credits roll, you could never quite tell the difference between what was an object of delusion and what really happened. 

Darling's rapid nightmare imagery paired with sudden bursts of sound will make your heart stop, but it's the long, anguished sequences and actress Lauren Ashley Carter's piercing stare that will keep you rapt. 

I'm a closure junkie

Remember when I said I'd started scouting for cheap 35mm film cameras on OLX? A couple of weeks ago in the middle of my toy camera obsession I decided, on a whim, to see if there were any ads for the Minox DCC on the site. I've seen one or two on there a while ago, but I could never dream of going after them at the time and they were always gone eventually. It's not that easy to find these little guys in Manila, honestly. But that day everything seemed to align: The camera was relatively new and being sold for half the price, and I could meet the seller in UP to claim it. 

So I did just that, and I'm in love with it, terrible quality, and all. Like I anticipated, it's super lightweight (I'm too lazy to take a better photo than the one above but look how tiny! Using my glasses for size reference was a cute idea.) and easy to whip out, so I can take a picture without worrying too much, and that's definitely good for creativity. 

I honestly never thought I would ever get to own it after six years of pining. 

To conclude, here's a compilation of photos I took from the day I first got it: 

I love the Strokes.

 

♫ North Ave. I love you / But you're bringin' me down ♫

photo diary #1

So. My life has completely flipped over the last month and I'm not sure I want to write about it. (A first!) Let's just say I've been a big mess lately. Too much information, too much to process, to much to do, too much to feel. Never any time.

But, for context: I got a job. A real job. With, like, decent pay, and stuff. Doing something I love. In publishing. While I'm still a student. I'm an editorial assistant, and it's both everything and nothing like I expected. I've met such amazing people. It's mega cool.

I'm just not 100% happy, and it's hard to explain.

[Cue Britney Spears's "Lucky," am I right?]

For the last few weeks I've finally been getting back to a healthy mindset. Then this monumental shift happened and the sads picked right back up. But that's a story for another time, if there's one.

Anyhoozers, I'm going to take advantage of my Internet (Former) Teen status now and throw together a couple of shitty low-quality phone photos I took recently. I'm actually pretty glad that the iPhone age, coupled with noughties nostalgia, has made them ironically hip/aesthetically acceptable again.

A couple of weeks ago I got to go to the Makati office of Canva, a Sydney-based graphic design app. It felt like walking into that Parks and Rec arc where Blake Anderson is the head of Gryzzl, a super zeitgeist-y, actually pretty terrifying startup. Needless to say: beyond cool.

The huge corkboard is right above my desk at work and I was so delighted to find a Phrazes-era Julian Casablancas flyer (of his pseudo-iconic Palace Theater residency!) on our mood board. 

I attended a launch party for Perro Berde VI, a free magazine that's a joint project between Instituto Cervantes and the Spanish Embassy. 

I'm obsessed with the all-pink, plant-adorned ladies' room in the newly-reopened A.S. pavilion one. 

I bought a book of poems from the stall in A.S. a few months ago and it had everyone from Sylvia Plath to Anne Sexton to Philip Larkin. I hadn't heard of John Wain when I read this, but this poem had a tight grip on me from the get-go. I'd never read anything so closely resembling my life. 

I attended my first Art in the Park with Ate Inah and Patti just yesterday. This above piece is very Adam Green-meets-MGMT to me. I couldn't afford anything save for two postcards, but it was nice to be looking at nice things in the company of people I liked spending time with and the outdoors, even if it was scorching. We capped the day off at 8 Cuts and I had a burger with only onions and truffle creamed cheese, which is a revelation.

I SOLD MY SOUL TO THE PLASTIC SEA

This post should pretty much confirm that I have, indeed, entered another obsessive toy camera phase. There's an entire sort-of-underground market (based in Japan and Hong Kong more than some, I've noticed) that specializes in such (mostly) plastic perfection, and it's quite the technological marvel, actually. The products are highly collectible (sometimes limited edition, damn it!), often tinier than usual, so well-designed and colorful it should be illegal, super affordable, lightweight and portable, and best of all, actually pack a huge dose of function, if you don't mind lo-fi, unpredictable images. Basically, another amalgamation of all that I love.

I think they really manage to bring the uniqueness of analog photography into a decidedly digital world by occasionally taking away LCD screens, so you won't see what you've shot until later (and which makes for cheaper cameras, I'd bet), but also removing the need to process film. They have special features and built-in effects that give the resulting pictures character. Just point, shoot, shoot some more, then plug in to check out what you've made. Lovely. Genius. When I take my D3000 with me, I often have to deal with its size and weight, and taking pictures is more of a process because the professional quality demands for the shot to be just right. These are the complete opposite, and I can just keep snapping without worrying about it being perfect all the time. It is, after all, just playing around and experimenting and having fun, with an added element of surprise.

This is a roundup and sort-of wish list of cameras I've wanted forever and some I just recently discovered. I'm planning to get some of them this year, so that the Mini DV camera I bought last year finally has some cute company.

Digital Classic Camera Leica M3 by Minox

I first discovered this around five years ago and I haven't had any sleep since. Launched in 2003, this miniature replica of the Leica M3 goes for approximately $250, which accounts for its sleek metal body (with movable levers that don't really do anything) and leather finish. As a model fixed-focus camera, it weighs less than a hundred grams without its CR2 battery and fits right in the palm of your hand, and the latest version (5.0 megapixels) has a 32 MB internal memory and video-recording capabilities. It's also the first edition with an LCD screen (although personally I'd rather do without it) and a slot to expand memory. Image quality is decent enough, not stellar. The back feels a little clunky because part of it juts out. But, whatever, look at it! I'm still holding out hope that I'll finally be able to get myself this someday. 

Rolleiflex AF5.0 MiniDigi

Like a considerable number of people, I tend to see the Minox Leica M3 and the Rolleiflex MiniDigi as life partners, mostly since I found out about them at the same time. It's also probably because they're both classy miniature replicas that share a lot of traits: The Rollei weighs 90 grams, has a 5.0-megapixel resolution and so-so actual photo quality (in square format), is made with quality materials, is powered by a CR2 battery, and also has a memory card slot. However, the MiniDigi requires you to shell out roughly $575 (sob!) before it becomes yours. But it's almost worth it for its coolest feature, which, of course, the original twin-lens Rolleiflex cameras had, too—you take photos by positioning it at waist-level or so, as the 1.1-inch LCD viewfinder is located at the top of the body, and you need to wind that little crank on its side before you take another shot. 

Superheadz 110 Format Secret Spy Book Camera

Okay, so it's not a digital camera, but I couldn't resist including it because I'm so in love with the entire concept! Priced at $25, it passes off like any other small-ish book on your shelf, except it actually lets you shoot dreamy pictures on 110 film. So adorable I could die. (And it's no surprise, because Japanese company Superheadz has been a leading source of innovation and cuteness for photography enthusiasts.) It even has a cardboard outer case so it really looks the part. To take photos, you just need to twist the spine 90 degress to open the secret compartment holding the lens and click away. I'm ordering one off Amazon as soon as I get enough funds!

Holga Digital

The Hong Kong-based team behind the Holga Digital started their labor of love in 2014, with nothing much to go on but a brilliant idea; that is, to bring a much-adored lomo staple, the Holga, even further into the twenty-first century. Eventually, thanks to the magic of 3D printing, design, prototypes, and most of all, crowdfunding, they've managed to successfully reach their goal, gaining quite the following of Holga veterans and new fans alike in the process. The digital version has four great colors, is a little smaller than its original counterpart, weighing 100 grams, and boasts 8.0-megapixel fuss-free image-taking, although you can opt to use other Holga lenses and flash. It runs on two AA batteries and doesn't have an internal memory, instead needing an SD card. The photos have the signature vignettes and vivid colors that the camera has become known for, and you can choose between a frame ratio of 4:3 or 1:1. All that, and its base price is only $68! 

Rhianna AKA Digital Diana

My first camera after Annie was a Diana Mini Classic, so it has major sentimental value to me. I've always thought it was only a matter of time before someone attempted a digital Diana, and in 2014, Greg Dash of Cyclops Cameras fulfilled that prophecy. Like the Holga Digital, the Digital Diana was brought to life through crowdfunding, and it was subsequently christened "Rhianna" by the people who pledged for it. It borrows the Diana Mini's body and gives it the modern update it so needs through a 1.8-inch LCD rear screen, built-in filters (so many!), manual options including ISO, exposure, and white balance, HD video, and 12.0 megapixels' worth of resolution. Its images have the classic lo-fi look its predecessor produced, but users also have the option to make them sharper, and so much more. But Rhianna is quite the heartbreaker: She was limited to 1,000 units in production, going for around $110, and is now completely sold out, it seems. 

Carbon One Mini

Polaroid's Land Camera 1000 is one of their most recognizable releases to date. Carbon, a Hong Kong-based design collective, definitely took note of this, which should explain why their easy-to-use novelty digital point-and-shoot, the One Mini, takes so much after it. Look at that viewfinder! This small 5.0-megapixel wonder ($125, currently on sale for $49) lets you take pretty vintage-style photos, and there's even an optional white border to make them look like actual Polaroids. It uses 2 AA batteries and has built-in memory that can be expanded up to 32 GB. Aside from the original white, Carbon also came out with limited edition black and pink One Minis that, unfortunately, have all been snapped up. I once saw it in person at a specialty camera shop in Singapore, and it was glorious. I've needed closure ever since—I'm just hoping it arrives soon.  

marina bay

12.21.15

by marina bay i disintegrated. my first night back in the city it felt like i had never even left. but the last time i'd been there, i was eighteen, and there's a world of difference between that and twenty-one. the bay walk was filled with tourists. a couple was shooting wedding photos near the water. (don't slip, i thought.) my family's distinct chatter floated all around me, and still, i'd never felt so alone. it was dusk, which always gave me the falsest sense of promise. we sat to rest. (when will i learn not to fuck with the ikea on alexandra?) i pulled up hold still on my phone with the precise thing i didn't want to think about clouding my mind and skipped to one of the later scenes, the one where ingrid pretends to plan her future out with caitlin, knowing full well she'd be dead the next day. as the days passed i would walk through streets with my mother and nod along as she talked about flying to hong kong in the summer and all these things that sounded really nice. it was just that i didn't know where i'd be by the time that rolled around. and i missed her then, she was right there, i missed me, i missed ignorance. bodies of water draw me in, a constant among life's inconsistencies. i breathed it all in, always willing to. i can't remember if i cried.  

point and shoot (and forget)

I've said this before and I'll say it again: My least favorite thing about living in the future (I swear my mind is still in 2008 sometimes) is the lack of one-hour photo processing services. So much for a culture primarily built on instant gratification. Most shops, if they even have this service anymore, take anywhere from 2-3 days to weeks to process film. 

Because of this unfortunate generational loss and technological devolution, I've had some trouble sticking to my analog photography hobby. That, and it's pretty expensive, and even 35mm film has become quite scarce. (I miss you, seventy-five-peso Photoline rolls!) Spools I've used up stay on my shelf for years, which means that by the time I get to see the images they hold, I've lost specific recollections of when or where they're from, which moments they're of. 

Of course, me being me, I delight in this anyway, because I love figuring out what's changed in me and my life over the years and being emo about it. It's like a personal excavation, seeing photos I took when I was someone else. Discovery after discovery after discovery. Places I can no longer visit, places I don't recognize at all. Sometimes the film has been stored for so long the pictures have faded and I never get to see them. Other times I would worry that maybe the subjects and the events in the shots wouldn't matter to me anymore or would make me feel nothing. 

But mostly, I'm just so in awe and ecstatic to finally have a look at what I've wondered about for so long. I guess first times tend to have that effect.  

For the longest time I've thought that my Diana Mini was broken. I took it out the other day and found that, well, it wasn't. It was perfectly fine. I was so relieved I went out and bought fresh film the next day. When I was bringing the camera out, I also found four film rolls that, I suppose in the back of my mind, I figured I'd never get around to getting processed anymore. But, again, inspired by my discovery, I decided to go out of my way and finally relieve them of their (and my) misery. 

The only place still widely known to process film within the day (two hours) in Metro Manila is Fujifilm in Megamall, which, if locations could be friends, is more like an acquaintance to me than anything. Despite having two MRT stops near it, it still manages to be quite the chore to get to. Or maybe that's just me and it's because I grew up around Shang instead, what with my mom managing a showroom there back in the day. 

Anyway. I went there and did it. And I'm making it a point from now on to really make time and exert effort in getting my pictures processed as soon as possible, as well as to bring my cameras with me everywhere more often, again.

Some info about the pics on this post: The first roll was a Kodak UltraMax 400, something I could never afford on my own, given to me by my late friend Reggie on the last day of school before my sixteenth birthday. The photos turned out to be from another friend's birthday at a Shakey's five years ago—something, as predicted, that mattered much less to me now. I felt nice warm feelings anyway. The second roll seems to have been from a trip to Bulacan—NLEX skies and churches and gorgeous mid-century provincial homes—while the third includes pictures taken in UP in my freshman year, before it all went to shit. (Just kidding.) 

Here they are now, stuck in limbo no longer.