I SOLD MY SOUL TO THE PLASTIC SEA

This post should pretty much confirm that I have, indeed, entered another obsessive toy camera phase. There's an entire sort-of-underground market (based in Japan and Hong Kong more than some, I've noticed) that specializes in such (mostly) plastic perfection, and it's quite the technological marvel, actually. The products are highly collectible (sometimes limited edition, damn it!), often tinier than usual, so well-designed and colorful it should be illegal, super affordable, lightweight and portable, and best of all, actually pack a huge dose of function, if you don't mind lo-fi, unpredictable images. Basically, another amalgamation of all that I love.

I think they really manage to bring the uniqueness of analog photography into a decidedly digital world by occasionally taking away LCD screens, so you won't see what you've shot until later (and which makes for cheaper cameras, I'd bet), but also removing the need to process film. They have special features and built-in effects that give the resulting pictures character. Just point, shoot, shoot some more, then plug in to check out what you've made. Lovely. Genius. When I take my D3000 with me, I often have to deal with its size and weight, and taking pictures is more of a process because the professional quality demands for the shot to be just right. These are the complete opposite, and I can just keep snapping without worrying about it being perfect all the time. It is, after all, just playing around and experimenting and having fun, with an added element of surprise.

This is a roundup and sort-of wish list of cameras I've wanted forever and some I just recently discovered. I'm planning to get some of them this year, so that the Mini DV camera I bought last year finally has some cute company.

Digital Classic Camera Leica M3 by Minox

I first discovered this around five years ago and I haven't had any sleep since. Launched in 2003, this miniature replica of the Leica M3 goes for approximately $250, which accounts for its sleek metal body (with movable levers that don't really do anything) and leather finish. As a model fixed-focus camera, it weighs less than a hundred grams without its CR2 battery and fits right in the palm of your hand, and the latest version (5.0 megapixels) has a 32 MB internal memory and video-recording capabilities. It's also the first edition with an LCD screen (although personally I'd rather do without it) and a slot to expand memory. Image quality is decent enough, not stellar. The back feels a little clunky because part of it juts out. But, whatever, look at it! I'm still holding out hope that I'll finally be able to get myself this someday. 

Rolleiflex AF5.0 MiniDigi

Like a considerable number of people, I tend to see the Minox Leica M3 and the Rolleiflex MiniDigi as life partners, mostly since I found out about them at the same time. It's also probably because they're both classy miniature replicas that share a lot of traits: The Rollei weighs 90 grams, has a 5.0-megapixel resolution and so-so actual photo quality (in square format), is made with quality materials, is powered by a CR2 battery, and also has a memory card slot. However, the MiniDigi requires you to shell out roughly $575 (sob!) before it becomes yours. But it's almost worth it for its coolest feature, which, of course, the original twin-lens Rolleiflex cameras had, too—you take photos by positioning it at waist-level or so, as the 1.1-inch LCD viewfinder is located at the top of the body, and you need to wind that little crank on its side before you take another shot. 

Superheadz 110 Format Secret Spy Book Camera

Okay, so it's not a digital camera, but I couldn't resist including it because I'm so in love with the entire concept! Priced at $25, it passes off like any other small-ish book on your shelf, except it actually lets you shoot dreamy pictures on 110 film. So adorable I could die. (And it's no surprise, because Japanese company Superheadz has been a leading source of innovation and cuteness for photography enthusiasts.) It even has a cardboard outer case so it really looks the part. To take photos, you just need to twist the spine 90 degress to open the secret compartment holding the lens and click away. I'm ordering one off Amazon as soon as I get enough funds!

Holga Digital

The Hong Kong-based team behind the Holga Digital started their labor of love in 2014, with nothing much to go on but a brilliant idea; that is, to bring a much-adored lomo staple, the Holga, even further into the twenty-first century. Eventually, thanks to the magic of 3D printing, design, prototypes, and most of all, crowdfunding, they've managed to successfully reach their goal, gaining quite the following of Holga veterans and new fans alike in the process. The digital version has four great colors, is a little smaller than its original counterpart, weighing 100 grams, and boasts 8.0-megapixel fuss-free image-taking, although you can opt to use other Holga lenses and flash. It runs on two AA batteries and doesn't have an internal memory, instead needing an SD card. The photos have the signature vignettes and vivid colors that the camera has become known for, and you can choose between a frame ratio of 4:3 or 1:1. All that, and its base price is only $68! 

Rhianna AKA Digital Diana

My first camera after Annie was a Diana Mini Classic, so it has major sentimental value to me. I've always thought it was only a matter of time before someone attempted a digital Diana, and in 2014, Greg Dash of Cyclops Cameras fulfilled that prophecy. Like the Holga Digital, the Digital Diana was brought to life through crowdfunding, and it was subsequently christened "Rhianna" by the people who pledged for it. It borrows the Diana Mini's body and gives it the modern update it so needs through a 1.8-inch LCD rear screen, built-in filters (so many!), manual options including ISO, exposure, and white balance, HD video, and 12.0 megapixels' worth of resolution. Its images have the classic lo-fi look its predecessor produced, but users also have the option to make them sharper, and so much more. But Rhianna is quite the heartbreaker: She was limited to 1,000 units in production, going for around $110, and is now completely sold out, it seems. 

Carbon One Mini

Polaroid's Land Camera 1000 is one of their most recognizable releases to date. Carbon, a Hong Kong-based design collective, definitely took note of this, which should explain why their easy-to-use novelty digital point-and-shoot, the One Mini, takes so much after it. Look at that viewfinder! This small 5.0-megapixel wonder ($125, currently on sale for $49) lets you take pretty vintage-style photos, and there's even an optional white border to make them look like actual Polaroids. It uses 2 AA batteries and has built-in memory that can be expanded up to 32 GB. Aside from the original white, Carbon also came out with limited edition black and pink One Minis that, unfortunately, have all been snapped up. I once saw it in person at a specialty camera shop in Singapore, and it was glorious. I've needed closure ever since—I'm just hoping it arrives soon.  

marina bay

12.21.15

by marina bay i disintegrated. my first night back in the city it felt like i had never even left. but the last time i'd been there, i was eighteen, and there's a world of difference between that and twenty-one. the bay walk was filled with tourists. a couple was shooting wedding photos near the water. (don't slip, i thought.) my family's distinct chatter floated all around me, and still, i'd never felt so alone. it was dusk, which always gave me the falsest sense of promise. we sat to rest. (when will i learn not to fuck with the ikea on alexandra?) i pulled up hold still on my phone with the precise thing i didn't want to think about clouding my mind and skipped to one of the later scenes, the one where ingrid pretends to plan her future out with caitlin, knowing full well she'd be dead the next day. as the days passed i would walk through streets with my mother and nod along as she talked about flying to hong kong in the summer and all these things that sounded really nice. it was just that i didn't know where i'd be by the time that rolled around. and i missed her then, she was right there, i missed me, i missed ignorance. bodies of water draw me in, a constant among life's inconsistencies. i breathed it all in, always willing to. i can't remember if i cried.  

point and shoot (and forget)

I've said this before and I'll say it again: My least favorite thing about living in the future (I swear my mind is still in 2008 sometimes) is the lack of one-hour photo processing services. So much for a culture primarily built on instant gratification. Most shops, if they even have this service anymore, take anywhere from 2-3 days to weeks to process film. 

Because of this unfortunate generational loss and technological devolution, I've had some trouble sticking to my analog photography hobby. That, and it's pretty expensive, and even 35mm film has become quite scarce. (I miss you, seventy-five-peso Photoline rolls!) Spools I've used up stay on my shelf for years, which means that by the time I get to see the images they hold, I've lost specific recollections of when or where they're from, which moments they're of. 

Of course, me being me, I delight in this anyway, because I love figuring out what's changed in me and my life over the years and being emo about it. It's like a personal excavation, seeing photos I took when I was someone else. Discovery after discovery after discovery. Places I can no longer visit, places I don't recognize at all. Sometimes the film has been stored for so long the pictures have faded and I never get to see them. Other times I would worry that maybe the subjects and the events in the shots wouldn't matter to me anymore or would make me feel nothing. 

But mostly, I'm just so in awe and ecstatic to finally have a look at what I've wondered about for so long. I guess first times tend to have that effect.  

For the longest time I've thought that my Diana Mini was broken. I took it out the other day and found that, well, it wasn't. It was perfectly fine. I was so relieved I went out and bought fresh film the next day. When I was bringing the camera out, I also found four film rolls that, I suppose in the back of my mind, I figured I'd never get around to getting processed anymore. But, again, inspired by my discovery, I decided to go out of my way and finally relieve them of their (and my) misery. 

The only place still widely known to process film within the day (two hours) in Metro Manila is Fujifilm in Megamall, which, if locations could be friends, is more like an acquaintance to me than anything. Despite having two MRT stops near it, it still manages to be quite the chore to get to. Or maybe that's just me and it's because I grew up around Shang instead, what with my mom managing a showroom there back in the day. 

Anyway. I went there and did it. And I'm making it a point from now on to really make time and exert effort in getting my pictures processed as soon as possible, as well as to bring my cameras with me everywhere more often, again.

Some info about the pics on this post: The first roll was a Kodak UltraMax 400, something I could never afford on my own, given to me by my late friend Reggie on the last day of school before my sixteenth birthday. The photos turned out to be from another friend's birthday at a Shakey's five years ago—something, as predicted, that mattered much less to me now. I felt nice warm feelings anyway. The second roll seems to have been from a trip to Bulacan—NLEX skies and churches and gorgeous mid-century provincial homes—while the third includes pictures taken in UP in my freshman year, before it all went to shit. (Just kidding.) 

Here they are now, stuck in limbo no longer. 

I don't wanna bore you with how I feel

Greta Gerwig in a still from Frances Ha (2012)

I found my favorite Twitter account of all time by accident.

That day I felt like I was ready for change, like the username I'd had for roughly three years had stopped feeling like me. It was time for me to leave it behind, so off I went looking for that new extension of my identity.

This was in 2014, and Jenny Lewis had just released her gorgeous album The Voyager. It's still so relevant and wonderful that I forget it's almost two years old sometimes. One of my favorite tracks off it was the opener, an empowering builder-upper titled "Head Underwater." So I tried to see if @headunderwater had been taken, and, well, it was. (Eventually I landed on @likemoodstones, from a lyric in "Late Bloomer." But I digress.)

Usually it's super frustrating when somebody has already taken the username you wanted, even moreso when the account has been unused for over half a decade. But in this case, I was enthralled.

@headunderwater was created on December 23rd, 2007. Can't figure out the exact time because 1) the Twitter timezone settings on this computer are wonky, and 2) I can't tell which location they'd been written from, although the phrase "right trolleyed" hints at it being in the UK. Based on given details, it seems that all 21 tweets on the page had been put up in a span of only 84 minutes.

Before I go on, here's a quick transcript of everything the person had written, using time stamps that are probably inaccurate, just to show the passage of time:

9:34 AM
...Christmas party at Reba's, tonight...afternoon, going over to see Liese and her parents, kids, husband, pets, neighbors, etc.... 

9:36 AM
Now...wasting time on the computer so that I don't pay attention to the hole in my life where my dog used to be... it's not working.

9:57 AM
I am still trying to figure out how the whole story ended this way....me in Bill's bed, him coming home bleeding and her in his bed,notmine

10:01 AM
He tried to ride his bike home...fell into a barbed wire fence twice...and ripped the hell out of his jeans...almost lost his AC/DC hat...

10:02 AM
The next morning they asked me if he had got a ride home...I said, "Yeah...I guess so..." Then I had a flashback of his arrival! Hilarity!

10:03 AM
Last time he just fell down the side of the hill at the bonfire.
Bill will be my favorite character so far...if he makes it... damn....

10:26 AM
So, for four years she was a want held at arm's length. I do that with straight girls with whom I could fall in love...four years of work.

10:26 AM
Then she kissed me.
Four years of work, gone.

10:28 AM
Long, blond hair...proper ideals...or so I thought..I guess not when it applies to her..or maybe it's the application which presented issue.

10:30 AM
I learn the hard way...I am also a romantic...I believe what I want to believe will happen, will...(that was a complicated statement...)

10:31 AM
Apparently, it was nothing. We all went to visit for Shanti's and William's wedding and i was greeted by Shanti...and shocked.

10:34 AM
I arrived at the bar and Shanti said, "Claire is down at the end of the bar with her new man."
Really?...
Really? Ok..
I went to get a beer.

10:39 AM
But that doesn't explain how I ended up in bed with Bill...
or even how he ended up in barbed wire..
...not even close to the Marlene saga..

10:40 AM
There was a lot of beer involved....
and a lot of drama....
but mostly...beer.... a lot of beer.

10:47 AM
There were also hats involved.
I looked damned good in Billy's hat.
It's a look I need to replicate.
So there were hats involved...a lot.

10:48 AM
And occasional episodes of lesbian drama...
can't get enough girl drama...
even with hats... it's still just girl drama....
and beer...lots.

10:50 AM
So I was replaced in the bed by a boy.
Marlene was right trolleyed and was possessive of the sofa, but willing to share. Ridiculous notion.

10:51 AM
I chose Billy's bed.
This is not to say that I chose Billy.
Billy chose barbed wire on a bike.
His methods of transport are spotty, at best.

10:52 AM
Thus, the injury as a result of the perilous journey home.
"More blood from Billy, Chapter 2", I shall call it.
Bikes can kill.

10:55 AM
Hélas, I tire of my own story...
I may tell more later....
may not.

11:00 AM
I have to go sober up.
I have been drinking and smoking for three days.
My dog died Friday.
Now I have to go see family friends.
Mustn'tslur

Part of why I became obsessed with all this is the sheer mystery and anonymity of it. The display image is a popular one of an alleyway in Fez, a major city in Morocco. There's no name given. This person seems to have made a Twitter just to exorcise these raw feelings and developments in a series of matter-of-fact musings with 140 characters or less, only to abandon it and disappear into the abyss of a web then still ruled by MySpace and Multiply.

There's also so much intrigue! I wonder sometimes if it's fact or fiction or a mix of the two. It's just far-fetched enough to actually have happened. Billy and Claire and Marlene and the wedding and the booze and the bleeding and the beds and the poor dead dog and our sad, disheveled, slightly messed-up hero/ine. (I also love that you can't tell what gender they are, but out of context clues I'm guessing it's a woman who loves other women.) I think it's because it recalls so many of our own stories of being single and fumbling toward adulthood; all that loneliness and the foolish things we do in the vulnerability of night, feeble attempts to placate it, to will it to go away, most of which we regret in the morning. The confusion, and the vices, and the heartbreak.

(Amazingly, the lyrics to Jenny Lewis' own "Head Underwater" seem to fit all of these perfectly.)

But the main reason I can't get over these tweets is the incredible, incredible writing. My favorites from the pile are the ones sent at 9:57, the two at 10:26 (WOW), and the ones at 10:30, 10:39, 10:51, and finally the closer at 11:00, that "Mustn'tslur" such a punch to the gut. Poignant, confessional, literary. It's so terse, but, shit, so good. The effect is a certain subtlety that makes it feel handwritten, like you're reading someone's diary. There's minimalism in full effect, for sure, but there's also those little details that make them so real and so human.

Finding this account felt like stumbling upon graffiti, or throwaway art, or one of those poems etched into library desks. There's just something so freeing and brave about leaving something so personal, all that catharsis, for anyone to discover, yet still keeping it to yourself somehow because nobody knows who you are.

Stranger, first of all, I'm sorry. I will never know your full story or truly understand the purpose of your cyber-tirade that's been consigned to oblivion, nor am I likely to ever hear from you again and know it for certain. I know it's not my place to put your writing and your story up on this blog, especially eight years after the fact. I'm usually not so exploitative. But I think it deserves an audience, if only because it's able to elicit such strong feelings in me, and I know I'm not alone. Your voice just resonates.

I hope you're still out there, falling in love (reluctance and caution be damned!) and being unapologetically emotional and writing about it. Maybe even with a new dog.

Can I stand in your light just for a while?

Nick Valensi: Sonic mastermind, guitar deity, 1/5 of the Strokes, scrabble enthusiast, bibliophile, American Literature dropout from Hunter College who wrote for the student paper, epicure, wine mom, born and bred New Yorker who left the city for love, stoner dad whose kids know Matilda primarily as a Roald Dahl book and not just a movie, husband whose idea of date night is a good old LA comedy show and burgers after, overall awe-inspiring human being. Ask anyone in the know, and they could probably tell you a thing or two about him.

But one thing that is sure to come up very seldom, if it even comes up at all, is his penchant for photography.

A couple years ago I was reading something Strokes-related and scrolled down to the comments section. Someone had written: "Whatever happened to Nick's photography?" I narrowed my eyes in confusion. What photography?

It's not very obvious, unlike Fab's art, but it's all laid out in plain sight. How camera-shy he was in the always heart-wrenching "In Transit" ("What, you got a fucking crush on me?"), but specifically how he'd hog the camcorder the other way and film his band and tour mates, for one. And for another, the immense archive of personal photos they used to post on their website (I always did love how DIY and hands-on and down-to-earth their approach used to be for things like their fan club and posting updates and everything else), quite a bit of which were taken by him.

I came across a compressed folder that has virtually every photo from the old Strokes website, circa 2001 to maybe 2005, and it even had a subfolder of grainy, lo-fi videos. Aside from the pre-selfie age 35mm self-portraits, some images stood out as undeniably his work. Ultimately, going through them was what got me curious about Nick's forgotten hobby. So I went digging.

If you Google "nick valensi photography," you're more likely to get results about his wife Amanda de Cadenet, who's been very accomplished behind the camera, being the youngest woman who's ever shot a Vogue cover and having come out with a photo book called Rare Birds. (She was also supposed to release a book called Just a Boy, which would've been composed entirely of photos of Nick, but it was shelved. Literally.) Doing research for this post, I had to come up with all kinds of word combinations just to find any evidence that he was into it. Eventually, I found the following.

From a feature on Julian Casablancas and Phrazes for the Young in Nylon:

From a news piece on NME about Nick working on Sia's We Are Born: 

A Strokes website update:

The site was given a whole new look (LP6 realness!!!) and might have changed servers a couple of days after I found the above post, so the link I had didn't work anymore, and while searching for it again manually, I saw another update addressing it:

Their old fan club "Forget What You Heard" newsletters also had collages that list him as the photographer.

I tried looking for more regarding those prints, particularly which photos they're of, to no avail. And neither Nylon nor NME (quadruple alliteration!) offered any real information regarding Nick's supposed foray into photography during the Strokes hiatus. Maybe it really is just something he's passionate about, and he doesn't feel the need to have that all out in the open. But honestly, he should at least make an Instagram because we're missing out!

I'll spend the rest of this post interspersing facts and comments with the photos I've rounded up; the real evidence in all this, of course. There's quite a bit of them, but they're worth the extra scrolls for sure.

First off: His weapon of choice. He wasn't kidding—the Contax T3 is pretty fucking dope (it's still super popular among people who take this kind of thing seriously, or even not-so-seriously), and it is pricey. More than "a bit," in fact. I've recently gotten back into film photography and was looking for cheap 35mm cameras on OLX, and the first result was this ad for a used T3. And it's P45,000. It stung like hell, like the universe was trying to spite me. Oh, the dream. And Nick had the gall to lose two of them?!      

A feature in the sadly now-defunct Elle Girl, circa 2006. (Click to enlarge.) A magazine that largely contributed to my self-discovery and musical awakening. They were pretty big on the Strokes, going so far as to feature Juliet Joslin in 2003 and putting Fabrizio Moretti (#50), Nick (#22) and Julian (#9) on their "50 Hottest Guys in Rock!" list. Fab made it onto the list another year, at number 29.

Okay. On to the real photos. I've divided them into three groups, and the first one, much like the introductory image, is composed of self-portraits or pictures where Nick is visibly holding the camera. He was quite fond of mirror shots, obvi.  

I know this is technically not a self-portrait, but that arm is unmistakable.

I love the composition of this one. 

This next group includes photos that have explicitly been credited to Nick on the Strokes website:

This one of the shoes wasn't credited to him, but judging from those infamous worn-out sneakers and the caption and the angle, this is definitely a Valensi. 

And finally, some photos that aren't Nick's for certain, but I'm putting here based on educated guesses: 

The picture above could probably count as one of the Nick-is-visible stuff because I'm pretty sure that's his reflection. Anyway, I figured the above five were taken by him, considering he experimented with black and white film a lot, plus the grain and focus felt like they were from a Contax T3. 

Also, Fab was pretty much Nick's muse. 

The next five colored images, I've included based on observations re: consistency and the overall feel of them. 

I love the composition of this one, too.

These last two are definitely from the same night as the picture with Jack White.

I find it adorable and amusing how slice-of-life and candid the above shot (particularly because Julian used to be so grumpy/moody then) and this one below (particularly because of how accurately it depicts tour life!) are.

The purpose of this post was to dig deeper into a somewhat long-lost facet—in the public eye, at least—of Nick Valensi that's mostly just been mentioned offhand and thrust to the side. In doing so, I found that, in the midst of the mesmerizing or the mundane, he had (and hopefully retains) quite an eye for the real moments worth saving, and was/is able to do so in a way that really commands attention and thought. Even if they were just "fucking around." But the fine line between love and hate photography for posterity/the heck of it and as art is visible, and these are all clearly on the more creative side. There's this quiet surge of life in them that makes them interesting, and not just because they're all of a rock band.   

(And they're all so beautiful, which made it pretty difficult to narrow the selections down!) 

You can see from his work how well he knows his subjects (and his surroundings, and his city) and what makes them who they are. They come alive even without motion. 

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that, whatever did happen, they continue to, even if we haven't gotten the chance to witness it in quite some time.