Wednesday, January 25, 2023

Betting on courage, faith, and hope: A Bangkok diary

Putting the “blog” back in Blogger. (Or: How I learned to stop worrying and love not having to write an essay all the time.)


December 14, 2022

I woke up to news that j-hope would be attending the Golden Disc Awards in Bangkok and immediately my mind was racing, trying to decide if I had it in me to spend on airfare, a hotel, and a ticket to the show only a little over a month after my trip to Osaka. But it was ultimately a no-brainer—the opportunity was just too rare to pass up. The idea of Hoseok traveling again to Southeast Asia seemed to have become less and less likely in the last three years. My untouched holiday bonus would more than cover the expenses. And my ASEAN passport meant all I had to do would be to book a plane ticket and go. 

But most importantly: It was kind of all I ever wanted. 

By the day’s end, propelled by tunnel vision, I had everything settled—including a three-night stay at a decent-looking hotel that only cost me P4,300 total (and it’s a 20-minute walk from the stadium!) and a floor seat I bought off a Twitter mutual I knew I could trust. It felt great to have something to look forward to, and to have it be this: my first time in Thailand, first time traveling off the cuff and truly alone, first time attending an award show, first time in a stadium, first time seeing him.


January 6, 2023

I never usually worry about having internet access when I travel. In Japan they gave our tour group portable Wi-Fi devices, and every day I left mine at the hotel because it was too heavy and I liked being able to leave my phone alone and pay more attention to what was around me. In Singapore I would read a physical book on the MRT as I train-hopped and I would always have my plastic camera in hand. I was planning on approaching this Bangkok trip the same way—but then I realized that I would be needing data if I wanted to use Grab to get around. Which I very much did; it would be more straightforward than having to do the usual back-and-forth of a regular cab ride, and I didn’t have the time or brain capacity to study a whole new commute system.

So my first order of business was acquiring a tourist SIM with a pre-loaded data package to last my entire stay, which I easily accomplished before I even got to baggage claim. My Grab app switched seamlessly to the Thailand interface and allowed me to pay with my debit card. Within 5 minutes of exiting the airport I had booked a ride to my hotel, and I was very excited about the prospect of getting to go anywhere I wanted as a solo traveler without having to worry about getting lost or ripped off.

After a quick nap (I’d been up since 1 a.m. and got settled in the hotel at noon) I headed back out and crossed the first thing off my itinerary: a visit to Daddy and the Muscle Academy + Stickerland in Siam Square. The area reminded me of Taipei’s New York New York, bustling on a just-barely-darkening Friday, and there was a bakeshop nearby that seemed to specialize in holding cake decorating workshops. Daddy + Stickerland was even dreamier than I imagined, overwhelming in the best way with its turquoise exterior and cloudy-sky ceiling and adorable characters and rows and rows of work and merch by amazing young Thai artists. I heard “Forever 1” by SNSD and “Not Shy” by Itzy while I browsed, and I walked out of there with the cutest, handiest A6 weekly planner and a bunch of postcards to bring home for friends.


After walking around for a bit I had scallop aglio olio for dinner at the Siam Paragon food court and bought macarons from Ronnies—my favorites were the raspberry, blueberry yogurt, and truffle vanilla (As in black truffle! I’d never had it on a dessert before and the flavor was intense in the best way). On the way back to the hotel I stopped by the nearby 7-Eleven. One of my favorite things about visiting a new country is getting to experience their selection of fun little drinks, and in Bangkok I got to try Coke Starshine, a.k.a. Starlight. It was a deep pink in color, and it did somehow taste like the rainbow caramel popcorn you could buy off the street, a firework show with the base cola flavor we’ve always known serving as its night-sky backdrop. Perfect for the beginning of the year.

January 7 – D-Day

I didn’t get out of bed until 11 a.m. since I still had several hours before I had to be at the stadium. I ordered in for lunch, knowing that I didn’t want any bathroom breaks during the show but also that I needed sustenance and hydration since it wouldn’t be over until 10 p.m. A Filet-O-Fish (unheard of in Manila since the beginning of the pandemic, not even for lent) was the most convenient choice, along with some decent mozzarella sticks (yes, also from McDonald’s). I found tomato sauce packets in the takeout bag after I’d already finished them off, which was a major L on my part. 

Before long it was half past 3 and I was on the street about to enter the stadium grounds. The energy was infectious and very easy to get swept up in, even if you were alone. It was nice to feel young, to see people come together like this, to learn how they like to express themselves and their passions through their bags and merch and picture-perfect outfits. It was nice to put in the effort and be part of something special. 

The stadium itself wasn’t as overwhelming as I’d thought it would be, but that was probably because I was close to the stage. I bet it was different from the benches—and when they began flashing the live feed with a dynamic, aerial view of the stadium, I got a sense of how colossal such a space really is. 

The girl next to me was local; she had a Treasure lightstick and she gave me a little snack as soon as she sat down. It was a super sweet gesture, and I tried to return the favor by letting her borrow my shitty binoculars. I also vowed never to say anything bad about her favs again. 


Onstage the artists were finally being led out to the seating area. There was NewJeans, remarkably firecracker-esque in their red-and-white stage outfits like they just walked out of East High from High School Musical. And then came Le Sserafim and (G)I-DLE, then half of IVE, then Seventeen, whom I hadn’t seen since 2020’s Ode to You in Manila. I was struck all over again with the realization of how handsome Wonwoo is IRL—it’s that idea of “ang lakas ng dating” that has nothing to do with confidence and swagger but instead the person’s natural, innate ability to draw you in without even trying or knowing. I shifted in my seat and fidgeted with my binoculars, preparing for the moment Hoseok would show. 

He didn’t. 

Not for the first three hours, that is. And it was just the latest in a string of conundrums over the three weeks that had passed since they’d announced him as part of the lineup. First we learned on Naver that he wasn’t even performing—which was never clarified by GDA or by his company, despite fans’ repeated requests. Then it was the day before the show and he had yet to fly to the city, and we learned only later that afternoon that he would be flying in the morning of. I’d been in a tailspin all day, going crazy, wondering if I’d gone all the way to another country for pretty much nothing, and almost cried tears of relief when I learned he would attend, at least.

I was resolutely staying off Twitter through the show, wanting to avoid spoilers re: how he looked on the red carpet before I saw him with my own two eyes. Which was why it took me a day or two to find out that the reason he didn’t show until the final hour was because he’d been running late, stuck in traffic. (He’s just like me fr.) 

In the meantime, there was plenty else to be excited about. Park So-dam was an adorable host. The NewJeans performance was a great, really fun way to start it all off. I also enjoyed LSF, Younha, and (G)I-DLE’s stages, and the IVE girls were super cute as they accepted their awards. Stray Kids’ entrance with the jeep was awesome to witness in the moment, right there in the audience, and I loved getting to see Seventeen live again. I may not feel as strongly for them as I used to, but I will always respect and be impressed with the way they can command a stage—and I will always find their larger-than-life personalities funny and charming. The weather was also pleasant, cool and crisp, and I found myself glad that the event was held in the open air of the stadium. 

Jay Park was performing when the live feed flashed to the artist area, and that was when we finally saw him. It was a bit of a shock, to say the least. I’d been keeping an eye out for when they would bring him out to his seat, but somehow I ended up missing it. The screams—mine included—instantly crescendoed when we saw Hoseok’s face. 

He was seated during the performance, but Treasure were standing and losing it to Jay Park (:/) and they were blocking my view, so I was just like, 


So much for never badmouthing them again. 

Even from a few dozen feet away I could tell Hoseok was pretty tall, and plain pretty, period. It was surreal to look through my binoculars during different points of the show, knowing he would be right there, trying to make out his features, seeing him bright-eyed and magnetic as always. Being able to pinpoint his mannerisms and think, That’s him, all right. The little dances, the moment with the mic stand when he made the little surprised face and gently put the awards down to adjust it to his height, the sweet little purse-lipped smirk he did during a speech. 

So many “littles,” but can you blame me? Look who we’re talking about, come on.


The show ended, the stadium emptied, and I found myself back out on the road, nursing an Est Cola can featuring a TinyTan j-hope (I made sure of it), which reminded me of the now-defunct Pop Cola as it cooled and fizzled down my parched throat. I began the walk back to the hotel, which wasn’t very scary even so late in the evening when so many other attendees were heading the way I was going. I was comforted, for once, to be in a crowd as it spilled onto the streets. 

Hoseok was already flying out of Bangkok by the time I got into my room. It had only been an hour or so since the show finished; I couldn’t even have daydreams of running into him in the city the next day. It must’ve been exhausting, having to take two six-hour flights in one day and having such a small window of time to accomplish a schedule by himself. I hope he had a good time, got enough rest, and wasn’t too hard on himself about the whole traffic situation.

My dinner was a 7-Eleven microwave meal of macaroni and chicken in tomato sauce and orange iced tea. I wanted to try some of the rice dishes, but I was wary of them being too spicy or creating a mess. I was apprehensive about the macaroni at first, but I liked it—there was, notably, no cheese on it at all, but the sauce was tangy and flavorful and stood well on its own, with just a hint of sweetness that my Filipino palate appreciated. I also tried the snack my seatmate gave me, which was a thin shortbread cookie with a white chocolate filling. 

I wasn’t all that tired, and I didn’t have restless energy, either. Rather this sensation of being sated had washed over me, and it left me feeling calm and light, like all was right in my life for the time being. Stillness. It wasn’t long before I turned in and fell asleep.

The view from my window in the new hotel room.

January 8

I checked out of my hotel a day early. I’d tried to book another room twice the night before and always chickened out when I got to the payment page, telling myself it would be too wasteful, but ultimately I decided I deserved it—the P1400 I’d already spent on my current room that wouldn’t be refunded, plus the P3000 I would pay for the new room, would be worth it if it meant I could have some peace of mind. The past two days had my OCD on overdrive; the room wasn’t as well kept as I had hoped. 

It had served its purpose, and I was grateful to be able to stay somewhere accessible to and from the stadium, but for my last night, I thought I could make the most of the trip as an extension of the holidays. 

I chose the Ramada Plaza by the riverside because it was a five-minute walk from Asiatique, the night market I wanted to go to, and the room promised a view of the water. Stepping into the lobby felt like instant relief—it seemed like a stay there was worth more than just twice what I’d paid at my previous hotel. The receptionist who checked me in saw my passport and began speaking to me in friendly, warm Tagalog; she seemed happy to interact with a fellow Filipino. The giddy feeling multiplied when I walked into my room. It was so much more spacious, so much more comfortable, so much more luxurious. And to top it all off, there was a bathtub. 

I’d been planning two more spots to check out on the last day: a bookstore called A Book with No Name that looked wonderful in pictures, and the night market I’d mentioned. Unfortunately the bookstore was a little too out of the way and it had gotten late, what with the transfer and check-in to another hotel. Instead I went to Iconsiam, a large mall and entertainment center with 10 or so floors boasting different immersive and elaborately designed areas. For lunch I had hamburg curry from Umaimon at the Takashimaya dining hall. The curry was a little too salty for my taste but the beef itself had a distinct flavor and texture I’d never had before. I never knew ground meat could be melt-in-your-mouth, and later when I passed by the cooler food court on an upper level, I regretted not being able to stay there, but I was happy with my choice of meal. 

Left: A retractable Snoopy pen I got at Iconsiam with ears that flipped up with the spring mechanism.

When I got back to the hotel I prepared a bath and used the Screamo bath bomb I bought from the Lush at Iconsiam (the only reason I went there, really). I’d wanted to get a bubble bar, but this one just called out to me—how could I resist it when it looked like Ghostface? As it fizzed in the water, the face briefly began to resemble a creepy wraith, and it smelled like cherries and almonds. 

At 9 p.m. I dragged myself out of my room to walk to Asiatique: The Riverfront. At first there didn’t seem to be much to see, but I probably lit up when I finally got to the end of it that faced the river. I loved it out there, where the wind was picking up and it carried the faint scent of freshwater. I lamented, as I often do, the lack of an accessible large body of water that I could visit near my home, just to sit by when I needed to read or walk along when I needed to think and breathe. I walked through the rest of the place, sampling street food and looking through the shops. 

I loved this upcycled vintage shop and its creepy-cute doll-like mannequins.

I got a tote bag with “Bangkok” in lowercase Courier New printed all over it (so chic for a mass-produced souvenir item!), and for my niece I bought an adorable elephant bucket hat. I walked back to the hotel to call it a day, already wistful over having to leave soon, making another 7-Eleven stop for a last hurrah of sorts: Milo ice cream, chocolate oat milk I’d fallen in love with, and chocolate-mint flavored Fisherman’s Friend (to this day I’m kicking myself over not thinking to get more than one). 

January 9 

My Grab driver to the airport was a girl about my age, and she was wearing a cute purple beaded flower mask chain. She plugged her phone into the aux, and I didn’t really mind the music until the second song came up and it was D.O’s “That’s Okay.” All of a sudden the drive away from Bangkok had become way more poignant. 

On the plane I was seated on row 12. It was an exit row, which gave me plenty of legroom. It was nice to get used to traveling again, although I’d never really done it all that often to begin with. It felt especially good to rely on myself more, not just financially (okay, that doesn’t feel as good) but also in terms of getting to exercise real independence in unfamiliar places. It’s never easy to find ways to get around and have everyday interactions when you have social anxiety, but I’m not going to let that stop me.

I wished I could visit more places, especially the rich cultural and historical sites and art hubs I’d been researching when I was preparing for the trip, but I figured I could save them for when I had more time to explore and learn more cost-efficient ways of getting around. Maybe then I wouldn’t be alone, too. It was an excuse, more like an incentive really, for me to come back, because I’d grown fond of what I’d seen and experienced of the city. (And there were so many more restaurants and cafes I wanted to try.)

When I got home I looked at my desk and saw the Daruma doll I had gotten as a parting gift back in Osaka. You could make a wish on the doll by drawing one of its blank eyes, and when the wish came true, you could fill in the other eye. I remembered, all too suddenly, that one of my wishes had been to see Hoseok. Hopefully within the next year, I’d supplied—I just never knew it would be this soon. Not only that, but I got to start off the year in a city I’d never been before. 

The experience hasn’t been perfect, don’t get me wrong. But that doesn’t mean it’s any less precious to me, or any less incredible. In the end everything still seemed to have fallen into place. It’s only made me more determined to see him perform, and soon. If this has already happened for me, suddenly very few things feel impossible. 

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