Go on, hopefully, wherever you walk: A Hope on the Stage in Seoul diary

I started writing at an airport cafe, two hours before my flight to Seoul. I had brought my well-worn copy of Hemingway’s A Moveable Feast from when I was 17, wanting to preserve my phone’s battery. I read the first chapter—a young Hemingway writing in a cafe on a rainy day, pretending not to be preoccupied with the presence of a beautiful girl he would still remember 40 years later—and found myself itching to string together words of my own. So I put the book down, dug in my bag for my little spiral notebook, and wrote.  

In my bag: my passport and visa, my keys, earphones, mints, a hairbrush, perfume, hand sanitizer, lip balm, two Advils, a Snoopy doll, pens, a film camera, my wallet and cards, winter gloves, and printouts of my tickets to j-hope’s Hope on the Stage Tour, which would kick off the next day at the KSPO Dome. 

Just two months ago, I’d been telling friends that I couldn’t really see myself going to Seoul, that it wasn’t that high on my list of cities I wanted to visit. It didn’t seem like the best place for socially fragile solo travelers—and the visa application process felt so much more complicated than Japan’s. So I didn’t even try during the initial ticketing chaos for the Seoul dates. 

But the tour announcement plunged me into a spiral of anxiety and uncertainty. I would see posts from people about getting tickets and just want the same relief for myself. I found myself days later on my phone, checking Interpark at 5 a.m., having had no sleep. I don’t even remember what brought me there, but there I was, and there it was: a sudden singular blue square in a sea of gray.

An available ticket. 

Heart pounding, I let myself consider it. Just for a moment. I tapped it and put it in my cart, my thumb hovering over the checkout button.

And then the page refreshed, and it was gone.  

I told myself I wasn’t disappointed. I didn’t even want to go to Seoul, remember? But for the next few days it became an obsessive habit, checking the site over and over like it held some divine answer to life’s greatest mysteries. I told my cousin about it as we lurched along NLEX on a road trip to Bulacan for a family thing, pulling up the page yet again while we idled at a rest stop. 

“Here, see?” I said, tapping on the different sections. “I swear, it was right—” 

There. 

Another bright square among the gray. Like a neon sign for a safe haven during a storm. Orange, this time, but an unexpected pop of color all the same. 

One thing I’ve learned is that I tend to regret the things I deliberately missed out on so I could save money more than the things I allowed myself to enjoy, even if I had to splurge a little. What was I working so hard for? I’d admitted to myself over the last few days that I did regret missing out on the ticket I’d seen the first time, and this regret made it clear to me that I wanted this, and that I was willing to work to make it happen. I had time, and I could let myself have this experience. 

I didn’t waste a second this time, selecting the ticket and hitting checkout and typing my debit card details with adrenaline-shaky fingers. “What am I doing?” I kept asking her, or maybe myself. “What am I doing?” This was crazy. I was on my phone. I was on mobile data. I was at a gas station in rural Central Luzon. But the shitty data pulled through for me, and all of a sudden I had a ticket to the first day of Hope on the Stage in Seoul.  

The next five weeks became a blur of manic INFJ floundering, just me and my weekly planner app against the world. I got a haircut, I bought new pants and had them altered, I bought winter clothes, I applied for my visa, I booked flights and my hotel. They opened sales for obstructed view seats, and I got another ticket for the second day. Dragged myself out of bed, made phone calls, fell in line. Wherever my way, like the song goes. Just trust myself. 

I wasn’t sure how cold it was going to be (and how cold I was going to be), so I couldn’t really factor in any sightseeing. It was enough to focus my energy on going to a concert two days in a row, especially since I’d decided to stay around Jamsil and just walk to the venue. I found the idea surreal and exciting: a thirty-minute stroll through the park, and I’d get to see an artist that my world has revolved around in one way or another. 

It was a fly-in, concerts, fly-out situation. I had to bring a big suitcase to fit my puffer jacket, my sweaters, and the beautiful A-line mid-length coat I’d gotten, and I didn’t really want to deal with figuring out the subway, so I tried booking direct transfers to and from the airport on Klook. The WhatsApp communication in English, clear instructions, and set schedule were perfect for my OCD and social anxiety, and definitely made the premium pricing worth it. Getting to and from the airport has always been my biggest worry when traveling solo, and I’m so happy to have figured this out for future trips. 

The plane landed. I had made it. In the car I put on NCT 127’s “Angel Eyes” as I admired the cityscape and the Han River out the window.  

I stayed at the Jamsil Orosie Tourist Hotel, a chic little place with a vinyl listening lounge in the lobby and a mini-gallery on the top floor that had once housed Yoshitomo Nara pieces. I would leave the window open to let the cool air in since hotels had no-AC policies during more frigid seasons. It was charming and perfect, affordable all things considered, and the staff was friendly. I would definitely go back. 

Nights in Seoul were still hitting the negatives by late February, and it would snow as late as mid-April, but for the weekend of Hoseok’s concerts—and just for that weekend—the weather became warm and sunny, like the clouds were parting just for him. Six to twelve degrees during the day, zero to three when it got dark. 

But I quickly learned that I shouldn’t have worried about my body’s ability to adapt in winter, and not just because of this anomaly. Somehow, I was able to get around and stay cozy in just my sweaters, no outerwear or inner layers, even when I was out at night. I didn’t know my internal natural insulation was this strong. I would be walking and seeing my own breath puff out in wisps of white in front of me, and the chill would just feel pleasant and refreshing. The six large hot packs I’d brought remained six, and the gloves that were usually a staple for me in freezing cinemas stayed at the bottom of my bag.

I’d been romanticizing walking in the park for weeks, and it was everything I’d hoped it would be. Wide, evenly paved paths, plenty of benches when I needed to rest (I never thought they would be so comfy), gothic-looking trees and massive art pieces. So much open space to breathe it all in. The thirty minutes never felt like thirty minutes, and the 1.6 km never felt like 1.6 km.  

I very much wanted to check out a few restaurants that seemed amazing, but I just couldn’t muster the energy or bandwidth to even try and step inside, too wary of being a solo diner with the language barrier and locals’ alleged indifference (at best) to tourists. 

There was a Lotteria on the corner just before the park, and I saw that it had automated kiosks for ordering. On my walk back to the hotel after the first concert, I went in and managed to order a classic cheeseburger and mozzarella sticks. I had my dinner while watching that night’s episode of I Live Alone right on MBC, thanks to the room’s giant TV. Seriously, it was probably as wide as the bed, if not wider.

And it was Hoseok’s first guest appearance, of course. The one where, among many other endearing things, he took the drive-thru to get some In-N-Out. I watched him bite into his burger and took a bite out of mine, savoring the buttery potato buns and the salt of the cheese. It felt all the more nourishing, since I thought I would really go through this entire trip without any real food, and would’ve had to survive on the cheese bokki I had packed. It was just like any other burger, really, but the star for me was the dressing, which seemed to be this really rich, creamy, tangy, vibrant tartar sauce. 

He’d been live in front of me just an hour ago, here he was again onscreen, and now we were sharing this meal somehow. I was kind of having the best night ever.  

The day after I arrived, I had lunch then set off for the park, letting Naver Maps lead the way. Soon enough I could spot the vivid red of the tour poster adorning the dome through the bare trees, and for the first time ever, I felt it. The atmosphere, the energy thrumming on the day of a j-hope concert. I thought: So this is what it’s like. 

And I tried to embrace this atmosphere and experience it to the fullest, including the ARMY Zone, which I got to benefit from since I’d bought a membership for ticketing purposes. I was glad it included a physical ticket, since Interpark didn’t make any available, and the photocards were super cute. I also collected banners for the fan project and just enjoyed people watching, seeing how everyone expressed themselves and their love for Hoseok and finding solace in how happy and excited we all were. 

The day had arrived. 

I don’t really know how to transition to this. How to adequately express making my way inside. I feel like I was moving on autopilot. Facepass was so seamless and convenient, and they didn’t even check bags. 

And then I was at my seat, and the entire dome was red, red, red, and the anticipation was hitting a fever pitch. The crowd was different, I noted, nothing like Manila where we would erupt in cheers every time a song ended because it always meant we were just that much closer to seeing the artist we came here for. But I felt that telltale electric certainty, that awareness nonetheless.

 

There was an elevated walkway, a tiny square B-stage, and the main stage. It just added to the thrill, not knowing where he would pop out. Having no clue how it would start, what he would do, what he would look like. Anything could happen. 

This was the beginning of something special. Not just the start of the concert, but of the tour itself, of this whole new era for him. I felt so lucky to be able to witness it in person.

And then the red tarp on the main stage was moving, rising and falling, pulsing, appearing as though it were living and breathing in motion. I’ve seen it so many times by now, three times live and many more on a screen, and it never stops giving me the chills. The slow, lingering notes of “Music Box: Reflection,” eerie but magnetic. The stage design never stops being as much a star of the show as Hoseok himself, but this is where it’s most powerful and most effective—it’s just that the power never diminishes. 

He was rising, right in the middle, just as red, red, red. Fur draped over his shoulders, leather suit, sunglasses, that hair. Launching into “What if…,” a song that deftly balances apparent doubt and introspection with gratitude and self-assurance. Then comes “Pandora’s Box,” one of his calling-card songs with one of the best shout-along choruses, and a title drop for Jack in the Box. 

He literally lit the stage on fire with “Arson,” which remains unlike any song I’ve ever heard, followed by “STOP,” which was inspired by There Are No Bad People in the World, a book that never left his desk for like a year or two and that I desperately want to pick his brain about. (I had tweeted out wishful thinking for an English translation after his 2021 birthday live when he first talked about it, and that throwaway tweet actually manifested it like nine months later.)

And then it was time for my queen, “MORE.” A song I love so much it literally hurts sometimes, a song I still discover new things about. I’ve probably subconsciously been writing an essay on it since it came out. So I’ll just say this and save the rest for when I actually sit down and pull that essay together: it’s Hoseok’s musical theater “I Want” song, I love how passive-aggressive he is on it, the music video is cinema, I’ll never forget hearing the teaser for the first time, and the guitars and his screams in this performance could defibrillate a heart. 

It’s fitting to start off with the most dynamic songs from Jack in the Box, a body of work I still have trouble believing exists sometimes. Hoseok has evidently and admittedly taken a different route with this set of singles he’s been releasing to accompany the tour, and I support that and trust him through it—especially since he mentioned needing to establish a clear theme for when he actually begins a new album, which means his personal process and creative approach haven’t changed. But releasing “MORE” and “Arson” back-to-back will always be brave and unprecedented and, fuck it, hot in my eyes, and I want him to know that many of us did get the vision and the genius behind it the first time. 

He began “On the Street” with a gorgeous, poignant freestyle dance that reminds me of one of my favorite Hope on the Street lives. April 2020, when we all had intense feelings of longing and being lost and restless and afraid. Hoseok set up a camera in a practice room and danced for over an hour, and one of the songs he played was Nujabes’ “Luv(sic.) Part 3.” I watched this part of the live over and over that summer, strangely emotional but unable to verbalize why. Just that it made me sad in some way that was difficult to grasp, but also so hopeful. Seeing him in his element, no pretense, back to basics, sharing this vulnerability and his passion and this moment with us.  

I had the same emotional response to “On the Street.” A slower, stripped back version of the whistled intro raining over him along with these gliding butterflies. The butterfly confetti in Seoul was made of foam, which made their fall more graceful and unhurried, only one or two at a time. It all came together wonderfully.  

Something has to be said about how so many j-hope songs feel like definitive j-hope songs, “On the Street” being one of them. Like they could only ever have come from him, like they have the power to move you because every listen feels like the first. Like you’re seeing the big picture of who he is and what he’s capable of for the very first time, even though you’ve always known. 

 

The rest of Hope on the Street Vol. 1 followed: “Lock/Unlock” had him serving stable vocals while doing a full locking routine with a male partner who, on the second day, pretended to trace Hoseok’s body as if it were an hourglass figure. (I had to take some time and Process.) “I Don’t Know” naturally involved mesmerizing house dancing, and “I Wonder…” had such heartfelt choreo. He suddenly started singing a cappella after the latter, and I couldn’t understand what he was saying in the moment, so I thought he’d done it on a whim—which I choose to keep believing, just a little. I sang right along with him, every word. It was magical to get to create that inimitable harmony, and we sounded pretty damn good together, if I do say so myself. 

I stand by my opinion that “Just Dance” is one of the most romantic songs if people would just read the lyrics, and it was so exciting to finally join in for the infamous “j-hope! j-hope! j-hope!” chant before the bridge. It was only right that a song this romantic would be followed by what Hoseok calls his first real love song: “Sweet Dreams,” which he debuted on the first day of the Seoul concerts. The fog machines made the stage look so dreamy, and the song just sounded so pretty and sweet that I couldn’t help but smile the whole time. 

The song came out officially a week later, but I found myself listening to the live version I’d ripped from the livestream just as often, because it sounded fuller and more raw, with a guitar solo in the outro that isn’t in the studio version. It ended with this doo-wop-esque riff that made the song sound extra-lovey-dovey and wistful and the kind of ‘90s that resulted in something like That Thing You Do! 

I have this fear that Hoseok would ever consider “insight” or “feedback” from the wrong kind of people, that he would ever adjust to what he thinks they want to hear. He’s shared that part of his ambition does include creating a bona fide pop hit, and he’s trying to achieve that with these new tracks. Hearing this song (and hearing it for the first time live) reminded me all over again never to doubt him. That he can grow and expand and adapt to certain styles of songwriting and pop stardom while remaining true to the creative hallmarks that belong to and sound just like him and only him. That his integrity—one of my favorite qualities of his, and there are many—will never falter. And more importantly, that he will never embarrass me. Just kidding. 

Okay, this section is kind of insane and I don’t even know how to condense it into a few paragraphs. I can start with the fact that “1 VERSE” was the perfect way to set it all off, and I think I did a double-take when I realized what was happening, that my ears weren’t deceiving me. “Base Line,” meanwhile, was pure motion, and I was reminded all over again how much of a beast Hoseok is when it comes to layered instrumentals (and standout basslines). 

We finally got to hear “Airplane” live, after it was notably missing from the Hobipalooza set list! Here was when he moved to the elevated walkway, and everyone screamed when it transitioned to “Airplane Pt. 2.” I swear the air in the room changed when “MIC Drop” started, and with “Baepsae” it really began to feel like, I don’t know, going to Paris and seeing the Eiffel Tower. Something that you know exists like it’s a fact of life, immovable and fathomless and unchanging, something that almost feels like myth before you’re lucky enough to see it for yourself. That’s how it felt to see those practically patented hip thrusts with my own eyes. 

I also really love the way Hoseok knows which songs belong to him, capping off this part with “Dis-ease.” He actually sang most of it, the way he did in the demo he accidentally spoiled on live (a whole half a year before we heard the finished song, by the way), and he sounded great. 

He fell back onto a bed for “Daydream,” coupled with graphics making it look as though water splashed out, and the live band once again highlighted the delicate but intricate instrumentation in his music. “Chicken Noodle Soup” was the first solo work of his that I got to be there for when it dropped, so I couldn’t help but think: He’s really come so far. That, and: Oh my god, he just did THAT move from Becky’s verse, what the fuck.  

“HANGSANG” actually came after “Base Line,” but I wanted to single it out because it’s always been my favorite from Hope World after “Piece of Peace.” I’m forever obsessed with the attitude in it and how it ebbs and flows and transforms, kind of like MGMT’s “Flash Delirium” or even “Siberian Breaks.” The final verse just before the outro was where I lost my mind. There’s also this fancam that hit a million views from one of the shows after Seoul where he, um, appears to be saying “thank you” in sign language… or something else entirely that doesn’t seem to be all that innocent. 

It haunts me, it really does. 

And then there was “Outro: Ego.” When the video came out, it was like I was seeing him not through a microscope, but a kaleidoscope: infinite, effervescent, and constantly changing shape. At the time it was like really seeing him come into his own, and I knew he had so much more to prove and reveal about what kind of artist he really was. And just. I love this song so much, I can hardly stand it. It was one of the tracks I was most excited to experience live, and it did not disappoint.   

“Hope World” will always make me think about the moment that I’m certain cemented Hoseok as It For Me. I was reading his Time interview from when his mixtape dropped, and he was talking about incorporating classic literature and whimsical adventure stories into his lyrics, including Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea. As a lit major, of course I was a fucking goner. There’s just something so YA love interest-coded about how he’s this literature teacher’s son who loves to dance. (Written by Rachel Cohn and David Levithan specifically.) 

He’s also mentioned how “Hope World” really captures his identity and artistry, and I wholly agree. Just hearing that ripple of water leading into the funky intro gave me the shivers, along with the stage lights and lightsticks illuminated in the unmistakable palette of the mixtape cover. It’s also the song where he makes it rain money (i.e. the now-notorious “Hobills,” or confetti of his face on the currency of whichever city he’s in) before the second chorus, because it “feel[s] like payday.”

I always love the part when he introduces his band. Total superstar move. And this is how he caps off an astonishing and, as far as I’m concerned, totally unheard of thirteen-song segment where it’s not a medley at all, almost all songs except maybe a couple were performed in their entirety with significant choreo, with full-bodied, stable vocals and the same boundless energy, never flagging once, back to back to back to back. 

He’s absolutely crazy. No one is on his level. They’re welcome to try. 

The VCR unfolded in bits and pieces as the concert progressed. It featured two Hoseoks (one of them trapped in a box), a whole bunch of easter eggs for his career so far, a cool vintage car, and some clever little match cuts. One of my favorite parts was the one that had the Hoseok in the box trying to find his way out, only to wind up right where he started, again and again, resulting in a sprawling shot that tracked multiple versions of him at once—all looking frustrated, and all looking hopelessly pretty in spite of it all. 

The conclusion doesn’t just tie it all together, not to mention break the fourth wall, it’s also the only time you get to hear “Safety Zone” during the show. It’s probably a top-three song for me, if not my absolute favorite of his (“Neuron” and “Blue Side” are hovering over its shoulder). 

I gasped when he put on a jacket, and it’s literally the one from Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” music video. For a second I was 15 again, visiting Betty Autier’s fashion blog for the millionth time just to admire her “Thriller” jacket and wishing I had my own. Hoseok’s looked super high quality, too, the leather a deep, cinematic red, not some cheap replica, so I had to wonder where they sourced it. It also ended any doubts for me that the music from the first VCR was at least a little bit inspired by MJ’s own music, I just couldn’t place where from exactly, just that it sounds vaguely like something from Dangerous. 

(It’s just my luck that they gave out “Thriller” Hobi photocards through ARMY Zone, and it had to be on the third day when I wasn’t attending anymore. My days of spending insane amounts on photocards are over, but for this one I didn’t hesitate to buy one off Twitter immediately.) 

I started a memory box just for this tour when I got home, and some of my favorite souvenirs have been the sweetest little gifts from the people around my section. The girl next to me on day one flew from Japan and she’d prepared packs with chocolate in Hope on the Stage wrappers, a logo keyring with a holo butterfly sticker, and a sweet handwritten note. Another person was giving out random items, and I happened to pick up a Jack in the Box: Hope Edition JPFC POB photocard, which I don’t have in my collection. I’d wanted it, but it was too expensive at the time, so I was really happy.

During the encore, like with the band, he introduced each dancer individually and put their names up on a screen. It was a great way to honor not just these people who’ve made the shows as breathtaking as they’ve been, but also his roots in the street dance community, his first love and original driving force, and the power dance has to bring people together. 

“Equal Sign” kicks off the encore, followed by “Future.” There’s a video from the third show where he was just up there on his elevated platform, on his back, not saying anything as the backing track kept flowing around him, just taking it all in for a moment, as if reminding himself where he was and what an incredible thing he’d just done. Eyes closed, soft smile, deep breaths. Nodding to himself several times, which is what really breaks me.   

I’d get asked all the time, “So, how was it?” And for a good few weeks, I’ll be honest, I couldn’t even answer. Cliche, but there were definitely parts that might as well have been an out-of-body experience. I’d forget to look at him sometimes and just zone out to the music staring off into nothing, because it was fucking surreal, the idea of being in a concept of here and now that he also occupied. The presence of him, real and tangible but also profound and overwhelming.  

It was only later, and especially now, that I’m really able to stop and make sense of what it means to me and what I came away with. 

I thought I’d been moved by a performance before, but it was never like this. Never like him. I still can’t begin to wrap my head around how there could be someone out there who’s this talented, this principled, this captivating, this expressive, this whole. Someone who moves like water, sometimes like catharsis, sometimes like exhilaration. Someone with a clear, beautiful voice whose singing puts a pleasant weight in my chest—and when he’s delivering verses, that frenetic, addictive style shines through. And I get to love him? And witness him in my lifetime? And even be born in the same year as him? 

I told my friends that this is the first concert I’ve attended where I was happy for the artist performing on stage who finally gets to self-actualize and prove himself to himself and reach his final form doing what he loves exactly the way he wants like he deserves. Knowing what he’s been through, what he’s held back, what he had to overcome to get here. Something had shifted. He was so many Hoseoks at once, and they were all true, and I had so much affection for all of them. That’s what the nodding all came down to. 

He faked leaving the stage again, but I knew it still wasn’t over, because the most important song still had yet to be heard, and of course he was going to save the best for last. 

If there could only be one definitive j-hope song, “Neuron” would be it for me. Not just because it’s named after the dance crew that took him in as their maknae when he’d stopped being able to afford classes but still wanted to soak up everything he could learn like a sponge. From the intro alone—a blare of music and Hoseok’s layered vocals, that I’ll tell you again, we’ll never, ever give up forever in his spirited vibrato—I knew it was special. It’s a city song, it’s a song about synergy, it’s a song about movement and recognizing all the little steps that make up a person and make up a life. It’s some of Hoseok’s best work as a lyricist: We’ll always be alive to move us is a classic j-hope-ism, written in his one-of-a-kind syntax in English that says so much about how he thinks and expresses himself, his own personal language that transcends translation, and how he puts words together. Think “wherever my way” and “as always, for us.” 

And I can’t write about Hope on the Stage without mentioning the choreography for the instrumental break in the intro. Talk about a priceless deep rooted movement. I’ve never seen anything look more alive. 

On the second day, even though I was seated in the obstructed-view section, just before he left the stage for real, he turned to us, stopped in his tracks, bowed, and gave us a wave. I imagine sometimes that however far, however fleeting, we might have locked eyes. And then the lights came on, and he was gone.  

I didn’t cry. Not until I was walking back to my hotel after the first night, coasting along the park’s pathways and throwing my head back trying to look for the stars. I put on Lee Sora’s “Song Request” and NCT 127’s “Time Capsule” (One day, for a long time, this moment too might become a faint dot) as I went. I was thinking about the act of bringing myself to Seoul, that I could just do that and go on this insane journey alone. I thought about calling my parents and telling them what had just happened, but of course I couldn’t do that anymore. I desperately wanted to know what they would’ve said. They would’ve been so happy for me. 

By the next day I knew the route by heart. And by the end of the trip, I would find that I was averaging 20,000 steps a day.

It rained on my last day in the city. I didn’t take my eyes off the Han River as we made our way to the airport. I hadn’t quite expected just how all-encompassing it was, the way it seemed to span the entire city. It made me wistful, knowing how much it would heal me to live somewhere that accessible to a significant body of water. Knowing bits and pieces of Hoseok’s relationship to the river—late night bike rides, an endless view of it from his apartment window—it warmed me a little, knowing I had some semblance of a relationship to it now, myself. Or a firsthand impression, at the very least. 

It was past midnight when I landed. I didn’t cry at pickups this time despite my dad not being there to welcome me home. The ride I had booked had tinted windows, making my view of after-hours Metro Manila darker, muted. I was happy to be along EDSA again, even if it had only been a few days. 

I didn’t know what to do with myself. I thought I would crash and fall into a mood going back to my life after the concerts and the weeks leading up to them that had me in a tailspin, but I just kept going. All I felt was contentment, and there was so much more to look forward to. I would be seeing him again two more times, one of them being in my city. And I couldn’t wait, because seeing it for myself drove home the fact that it’s something worth experiencing as much as I could.    

(And with six weeks between Seoul and Manila, I could finally fucking relax for the first time since the tour was announced in early January, I threw myself into planning this trip, and ticketing almost cost me my sanity.) 

My lifeline through it, of all things, was Nylon Japan’s 2025 horoscope. “You will be intoxicated by things that move you,” my April forecast said. “There is also the danger of sacrificing everything for the things you are passionate about.” The tour wasn’t officially announced, but I’d joked that I was definitely about to risk it all for Hope on the Stage Tour… and then April dates were announced for Manila, which was huge for the fact alone that Hoseok hadn’t been here in almost a decade. 

When I got the Seoul tickets, I checked it again and saw that my February forecast had also come true: “[You’ll] get a lot of stimulation from things you are passionate about. Many celestial bodies are grabbing the heart of Scorpio, so you may be shaken by something that will move your life.” (Not to mention the January one, which said I would be able to “identify the right answer and act accordingly,” and advised against being too much of a realist and putting my feelings on the back burner. It was this resolve to be frivolous for once and pursue this chance, practicality be damned, that helped me make this all happen.) 

I never did get to read past chapter one of A Moveable Feast on this trip. There was just too much going on, though I might pick it back up one of these days. But I think back to Hemingway and the Paris girl he never quite forgot about, and I can’t help but draw the parallels: just like in the book, there’s this boy I saw in a city that isn’t mine who will also linger in my mind for a very long time. 

Sometimes it's good to settle down

For me 2024 became a year of trying to end constant searching. 

I think I was trying to make sense of my sudden independence (as in I no longer had parents and literally had to primarily depend on myself) and find some semblance of stability in a life that has refused to be stable for the past few years. I was also getting tired of constantly feeling like I needed something and the cyclical trial-and-error of online shopping... so I exhausted every opportunity to shop online and find the exact thing that would fill that (very specific) void.

It's been a long, pretty tedious process, but necessary and worth it, I think. It felt frivolous and shallow in the moment, but it genuinely taught me a number of important practical things.  

I've mentioned that I've reached my bag quota in this post, but really it took me a few more tries and months of reflexive online window shopping before I found the one/s I've been looking for (for real this time). The first was this dupe of the Stand Oil Joey Mini that I got at about P1500—I kind of shied away from getting an original after the Donkie bag I'd splurged on had a tiny bit of its material chip off by the third use. And it's so much better than the Connie! Sturdier and more spacious, with a strap that's as long as I want it to be and a cooler-looking leather finish. Its shape is also chicer in my opinion. I've gotten plenty of use out of it, and so far it has yet to show any signs of wear.  

The heart of every fruitless search I've gone on for the ideal crossbody bag lies in the Fossil Sutter (right), which I'd gotten as a random souvenir from my aunt. It has the perfect amount of space and  compartments, and my only problem with it is the leather has gotten so faded, one of the hooks is faulty, and it's pretty heavy so not the best for travel. I keep thinking of just taking it to get repaired so I would finally stop looking for its replacement. 

That is, until this unbranded bag style going for P1600 (left) wound up on my suggestions. It had the exact same structure as the Sutter: two front pockets, large zipped compartments outside and inside, two small pockets on the inner lining, and another large zipped compartment at the back. And best of all, it's brand new and much lighter. It's just a little smaller, but I loved that it had a lot of possible places for keeping my passport safe. (The Joey Mini doesn't.) 

It looks dressier than nylon or canvas bags but I can just take it out and sling it over my shoulder for any day. 

I also want to gush a little about this Marikina bag I got for under P300! I've written about it before, but I didn't include a picture. The hardware is thinner and the edges aren't sealed, but I love how spacious it is for such a small bag, the dark green color (it was supposed to be olive green, but they seem to have trouble differentiating since they have so many green options, including emerald and teal), and how fuss-free it is. The zipped back pocket is great for putting my keys, and there's also an inner pocket. Yay, lightweight feel and long detachable strap that makes it easy to store. 

For the last three years I'd been using my mom's vintage Ralph Lauren houndstooth wallet from the '90s, but I decided recently that it's time to retire it before it's damaged. I had the same problem about it as the Sutter: it was too perfectly structured and now I couldn't find a suitable replacement. But I splurged on a Coach snap wallet, and I've never looked back. 

I'm so happy I found this olive green jacquard version, and for a third of the price on Zalora. I'm in love with the details, especially the C-logo zipper. All I really needed were a picture window, a roomy coin purse, and a bill compartment that opened comfortably wide even after you put your cards in. (The Ralph Lauren wallet is still more comfy for me, and for a second I had to "train" my way around the new wallet since the picture window side is flipped around, but I still think I have a keeper on my hands.)  

I didn't want to use some stock image of a perfume bottle I don't even have, so I had a little fun and chose a DoJaeJung picture instead, lol.

It's been a frustrating few years for me when it comes to finding a signature scent! The one I still mourn that I used from about grade six through high school and even college was the Extra Relax variant of the Bench Overhauled line, which broke my heart when it was discontinued in 2014. It's like I've been floundering since. For a while after I became a Body Fantasies Peach Apricot girl and I thought I'd found a forever scent, but that was discontinued recently too. 

In 2023 I tried Miniso's Fancy Bubble, and I adored it (and have gotten compliments on it!). I'm putting the details here so I can always find them and I might try to find a dupe someday: top notes were grapefruit, lemon, orange; heart notes were jasmine, rose, honeysuckle; base notes were sandalwood, vanilla, musk. I don't typically like vanilla in perfume, but here it was the perfect balance needed to take Fancy Bubble to the next level. I never would've pegged it as a citrus scent. I tried to buy as many bottles as I could, but Miniso perfumes were always meant to be limited-edition. I'm on my last bottle now, and I've stopped using it so I can always remember how it smelled. 

Perfume miniatures I bought for a grand total of I-won't-admit-how-much at a pop-up

Much as I want to be a Fragrantica girlie, I just know that collecting scents is not the hobby for me and the constant experimentation just to find The One (no, not that one) felt so wasteful and like I wasn't getting anywhere. I have a sensitive nose and I'm too particular about the kinds of scents I prefer. Like, I do like fruity scents, but they need to have that depth of tartness to me for some reason—something Peach Apricot had that other peachy scents just seem to eschew. 

 

So I decided I needed something classic that wouldn't go away. My mom had left behind a full, unopened bottle of D&G Light Blue that really sustained (sustained?!) me for a while, and I think it's definitely something I can always come back to. I wanted to love Tartine et Chocolat, but it just wasn't enough for me. Finally, one time I was at a Sephora and I got to satisfy my curiosity regarding how certain Tom Ford perfumes smell, and the one that blew me away was Neroli Portofino. It smelled just like Extra Relax did, even the cottony dry-down, except Extra Relax was just a little more green. 

But like I said: not a Fragrantica girlie. You'll never catch me spending five figures on a perfume. So I bought a dupe, and I've been so happy with it. 

Another go-to of mine that was discontinued was Happy Skin's Nostalgia lipstick. It's my MLBB and no shade looks better on me. It's still amazing to me how I didn't have to look too hard to find its successor... but it did make me laugh and kind of lose my mind a little that of all lipsticks, it had to be Sunnies Face's Fluffmatte in Mood. But I can't lie, the formula is crazy smooth and wearable and there are literally no differences in hue between it and Nostalgia. (It's currently sold out everywhere, though, and that has me biting my nails a little. Let's hope it just needs a restock!) 

I also swear by MAC's Succumb to Plum and a gorgeous deep mocha called A La Mode from a brand that won't be named that's a shade of brown I haven't come across often. I don't know how to describe it, but it's a pure kind of brown that doesn't look mauve- or red-adjacent and it's a standout on morena skin. Think Janine Gutierrez' lipsticks on Lavender Fields. 

Settling also means setting boundaries and figuring out some base truths about myself. For one, I think I might not be suited to pet ownership right now, not just because I don't need another money sink and I'm still not fully functional, but also because my OCD would never let me rest about whether I'm taking care of it properly. I've also come to terms with the fact that I'm just fine never drinking again and have set hard lines when I'm out in a drink-y setting, and I'm glad that the people around me have respected that. I'm still open to it and I'm probably always down for peach schnapps or champagne, but I just don't like the discomforts that come with it and it's not worth living with them for me. 

Another thing I've accepted is that I can have a wardrobe that's 50% black, 40% grays, navies, and olive greens, and 10% everything else. There was a tweet about how people in creative fields just figure out a "uniform" instead of having to meticulously plan outfits so they'd have more headspace for their work, and while I no longer recall if it was meant to be serious or a joke, it kind of gave me this license to just dress comfortably but still dress well. 

When we switched to hybrid work and started going to the office, it was fun to really take the time and invest in key pieces and expand my closet. Keyword being "invest," because I did learn that it was worth splurging on quality brands to feel good and look good. Recently (like last month recently) I also learned to apply this philosophy to buying pants, and I've been so happy with the results. 

I know this all makes me sound like such a naive fashion amateur, but that's just because I focused too much on books when shopping as a teen, okay?  

And, well... now I don't really buy books. Don't get me wrong, I still get books digitally, but last year I had to think about the constant possibility of moving and it really stressed me out to account for all the books I own that I needed to keep pristine. (Yes, another OCD thing.) I was running out of space and I couldn't spare any more time worrying about them and needing to protect them, so I decided that my shelves have hit their limit for now. It's not like I have bookstores to buy them at anymore, anyway! [face holding back tears emoji]

I did buy the illustrated edition of The Bell Jar, because how could I not. 

I also let go of my camera collection, somewhat. Again, it was a case of burnout from "needing" to protect them all, which included having to find plenty of space (that I didn't have) since my OCD demanded that they had to be stored just so. And I'm in awe of how my brain can recalibrate sometimes, because as soon as I got my Vivitar CV35, it was like it decided I didn't need anything else. Not even the Contax T3 of my dreams. 

My mind makes itself up a lot about things like this, whether it's cameras or K-pop or whatever else, gets on one track and refuses to get off, and it's allowed me to save so much. Like, NCT 127 really is my ult group, but somehow that's not enough for me to want their albums or photocards or merch, no matter how cool they are, and I only ever open my wallet for Hoseok. (Boy, do I ever.) Maybe it's really just a case of knowing who I am and knowing what I want. I can't explain it but I'm grateful for it! 

The CV35 is such a smartly designed camera. I found a working one for about $20, and in the color I wanted. See-through, very compact and handy, and it even has a thin sliding lens cover that prevents the shutter button from being pressed when it's closed (so helpful because that's one of my worries!). The flash only needs one AA battery, and the compartment clicks open so you don't need screwdrivers. Plus, it allows double exposure.

I kept the CV35, my TolNe, a teal Aquapix, and an Aquapix with a j-hope design from a birthday cafe. I still have a Minox Leica that no longer works, which breaks my heart, and a Superheadz 110 spy book camera. For my birthday I bought a cute squishy little 110 jelly camera, although it doesn't really have the best quality. And even then, I've written about how I've decided to just use disposables when traveling because they're not much more expensive than film and I can just pull them out without fearing damaging them. 

For digital cameras, I have my Pentax Q-S1 that I need to check on one of these days. My D3000 is lying at the bottom of a closet, no longer in any condition to shoot, though it may be repaired.

Currently I'm glued to my Canon G9 X. I had it on my wish list for years as trends moved away from bulky SLRs and mirrorless cameras. People wanted to go back to basics, the compact point-and-shoots, and so did I. Everyone goes for the clunky G7 X, but I'm someone who kind of prioritizes better (read: cuter) design over specs as long as the output is decent. So in 2022, I forget how but it came to my attention that the camera was becoming obsolete and production was ceasing, meaning I had to act fast if I wanted to even find it. I dragged my dad to SM Annex, and luckily the Canon store still had them. 

We left and I spent overnight convincing myself to get it, yelling at myself that I deserved it like Vanessa Kirby going "I AM FACING THIS! I'M FACING IT!" in Pieces of a Woman. The next day, we came back, and I bought it in a one-time payment. I didn't want any more second-guessing after having it on my mind for so long. 

I was so sure that its value would decline, but it's done quite the opposite of depreciate. I checked online and saw that used G9 Xs go for more than I'd gotten it for brand new (around $420; listings go from $430 to $700) and to get one new in box, you'd have to shell out $1000. I can't be more thankful that I took the chance to buy it when I did. 

Lately when I travel, so I would pack lighter, I try to tell myself that my phone is good enough for documentation. And it is, but I want to make the most out of this camera, too.  

I can pinpoint a reason for the current market price of my camera, and of course it's that digital cameras are all the rage right now. I feel strange about it as someone who grew up with these "retro" gadgets but never really got to have them because we could never afford them. I can't help but think sometimes: It's supposed to be my turn. This Canon PowerShot E1 is my birthright. None of you have spent the last 17 years pining after it since you were 13! 

There's listings of them everywhere, even on Instagram, and a little voice would gently coax me, Why not? But having my go-to cameras across mediums and formats lets me shrug off that voice, because I know I already have everything I could ever need, and all of those pretty sample pictures are just a combination of good environments and, literally, the power of flash photography. My digicam is good, and it doesn't have to take pictures that make it look like it's 2003.  

So even if this Japanese clear toy camera is only P2000 and it's super cute, I can just put it on my blog if I want to admire it so badly. 

That's what settling really means to me. There's a lot of talk lately from influencers about "no buy" and relearning minimalism after all that overconsumption, and this journey or whatever has been similar to that, but it's mostly just me finding the (god, buzzword alert) most authentic way to be me. It's so much easier to click off a listing for yet another bag, yet another book, yet another intriguing perfume or cutely packaged lip product with a unique formulation, yet another trendy l'objet du jour because I already know and have what works best for me. 

(I'm still trying to add to my closet, though.)  

I had a lot of fun writing this blog post! Lately I've mostly gone back here whenever I've gone somewhere or something big has happened, but I have missed yapping about my daily life and my current obsessions and things that make me happy and silly pop culture headcanons. I hope to do more of it this year... but I'm definitely looking forward to blogging about Hope on the Stage Tour and I hope it will be a long entry or even series that spans across a number of shows and cities ;) 

Surrounded by familiar faces, the people that you love to see

 Or: I was born in the right generation

I hadn’t been inside the SM Skydome since I was 18. 

It had been about ten years. It was the venue where I got to cover my first concert with a press pass, where I got to see William Beckett from the front row in the most intimate concert I’ve ever attended—only hundreds in the crowd—and he acknowledged me from the stage. But there’s only ever going to be one band I’ll always associate with the Skydome, and it was the same reason I was there at that moment: The Maine. 

I hadn’t gone to a concert of theirs since their pivotal Pioneer Tour stop in 2012 because their newer songs resonated with me less and it got to a point where I’d become mostly unfamiliar with their setlists. But this was going to be the Sweet Sixteen Tour, to commemorate their debut album Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop, and they were going to play the whole album on their second night in Manila, along with more deep cuts from their discography. 

My friends and I could not miss this. 

Having been fans of The Maine when we were in high school, we’ve naturally had plenty of time to evolve into different people and kind of grow out of that phase. We tend to joke that we’re “retired.” But as soon as the announcement dropped, it was like no time had passed. We immediately made plans, and for some of us, for the first time in a very long time, we were going to be attending another concert in a mall together—seeing the band that allowed our worlds to collide. 

There was no question to me that I would be getting two-day tickets, and closer to the show dates, I decided to treat myself and check in to the hotel connected to the mall so I wouldn’t have to go home only to come back the next day. Most of this might be personal myth at this point. I’d waited too long to write and I didn’t take many notes on my phone, and it was really just two great nights spent listening to the music of my teenage years live with the people I got to grow up with listening to them. 

It’s so freeing to have a band like The Maine that’s pure comfort. I didn’t have any expectations, save for songs I wanted to hear, because I’d already had such a rich history of experiences related to them. I’d seen them in their prime, I’d met them, I’d even gotten to interview them a number of times. Garrett had literally, at one point, used a photo I’d taken of him as his Twitter icon.

On September 27 we mostly watched from the right-side bleachers. They played over 25 songs that night, including “Diet Soda Society,” “Right Girl,” “Don’t Come Down,” “Misery,” and “Blame.” I’d been playfully livid whenever they’d play “Saving Grace” here and I hadn’t come to see them, but this time they played a beautifully romantic mashup of the song with “Whoever She Is” that had us all swaying. Camz and I kept screaming that it’s my song (being a Halloween baby) during “Forever Halloween,” a track I thought I’d never hear live. And “Another Night on Mars” was a great encore. It was funny how we’d go quiet when they’d play newer songs, then go absolutely berserk when it was time for the classics. 

But what got me crying, grasping the magnitude of the how-we-got-here-ness of the moment, was “(Un)Lost” and the back-to-back double whammy of “Love & Drugs” and “Like We Did (Windows Down).” I couldn’t help flashing back to 12 years ago, sitting on the floor outside this same venue with Mariel waiting in the queue to be let in for that concert, as the same two songs—“Like We Did” and “Don’t Give Up on ‘Us’”—looped over and over.  

September 28 was the Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop show, and we decided to plunge into the crowd for it. We all laughed seeing the band come out in the iconic white and gold suits (not black and blue!) they’d all worn as teens in the late 2000s, destined to be in the running for the new princes of pop-punk and eventually become something else altogether. “Everything I Ask For” will always get me on my feet, the ultimate girl-worship anthem where John comes off as a bit of a lovable loser. “Girls Do What They Want” and “Count ‘Em One, Two, Three” will never stop being good old call-and-response fun. “Into Your Arms” is the only song that will ever make me weirdly emotional during a line that tries to bait you into singing, She’s got the most amazing ass. 

John went into the crowd at one point. I think it may have been to start a mosh pit, or to join one. I’d said to Clarissa the day before that the concert didn’t feel complete without one of her signature condom balloons, and that night she actually delivered. 

I was so excited to sing “Love is a luxury,” she said during “This Is the End.” And the feeling of getting to scream 81! 23! Means everything! To me! during “We All Roll Along” is something indescribable that not everyone will get, but here it’s practically a love language, and few things are as powerful. 

And then there’s “We’ll All Be…” A song that goes on forever, but never long enough. My friends and I held each other tight as we declared, And for the first time, I feel less alone. For the first time, I can call this home. And later, We all have been degraded. We all have been the greatest. 

I had zero regrets about the hotel stay, even if it was a little pricey. I had a good breakfast, piling my plate with annatto rice and creamy chicken and fried dumplings and dry noodles, plus a little chocolate chip scone. And two consecutive days of concerts was a lot, but nothing I couldn’t wash away with a hot shower as soon as I got into my room. 

 

I spent most of both days with Camz, Audrie, and Steph—the three I regularly talk to the most, along with Cheska. But really the whole affair was nothing short of a family reunion: frantic waving and voices going shrill with excitement upon spotting these faces we hadn’t seen in years, some of which we never thought we’d see again. We sang along to lyrics that are probably tattooed on our minds (if not literally tattooed somewhere on our bodies), we laughed about old inside jokes and got up to old habits, we took pictures, we caught up over dinner, we sat down when we needed to because our joints did not work like they used to. “We’re so old!” 

I was especially grateful to have gotten back in touch with Kat and Clarissa, who flew out to live this great big new adventure in America not long after the tour. 

People express doubt all the time these days that you can meet friends online, particularly Tumblr, even more that you could manage to have them cross over to the real world. But as someone whose lifelong friends are from Tumblr, I’m just like, “Skill issue.” 

But of course these friendships are the absolute rarest gems from a bygone era, and I’m constantly being reminded of how lucky we are to get to have something this special. It felt extra real, looking around the Skydome and seeing them, feeling them, hearing them right next to me. These were people I met on a screen because we all loved The Maine a decade ago, and somehow they’ve become inextricable constants within my life. Nobody has ever oomfed harder than we have.

I wouldn’t even really called it a “reunion,” because we’ve all been here for each other all along, like the Skins cast. 

We’re so lucky. We’re so lucky. The timing, the people, the places. We got to be young at a time when these were the bands and these were the songs that were at their peak, living out our exhilaration, living through our angst, and living vicariously through them. Physical media and Astroplus release parties, music video premieres and waiting for surprise screen time on MTV, vinyl pre-orders and waiting two months to listen to the album until the record arrived and you could drop the needle. Microblogging when people weren’t afraid to interact and weren’t too cool to mess up their pages, so we just talked directly on our Dashboards through our posts and reblogs. 

A scene when being part of a scene meant something. You just truly had to be there. 

This kind of thing will never happen again, for us or anyone else. 

It wasn’t just our little corner of the internet—it was also a subculture and pocket of time that allowed us to meet in person frequently and really keep in touch. For a brief time concert producers actually took note that this is what teenagers were listening to, and they managed to bring these obscure-ish bands often enough. Think about it: even There for Tomorrow, even The Downtown Fiction. Many of us were also entering college, and it was just easier to make plans and keep seeing each other and hanging out.   

Live shows at Ayala Malls came to define a generation—our generation. They were common enough that they became unlikely markers of a specific era in my life, of my coming-of-age. Days when Fridays meant going to the mall after school to hang out at Timezone, or see the latest Harry Potter movie (I wish I could make a different reference, but I have to be true to the time), or try new toppings on frozen yogurt. It’s just that sometimes, you just happened to catch Cobra Starship performing their hit “Guilty Pleasure” live and in person at the activity center, and it felt like the most normal thing in the world. 

When the LIV3 Tour was announced to be kicking off for a four-day run in 2011, it caused a huge shift. We could look at how our lives had changed and pin it all on this one crazy week. Our post-concert emotions didn’t cease for six months, as the February show dates bled into high school graduation (for some of us, including me) and the summer and some of the following school year, until we had a new thing to focus on: embarrassing to admit, but it was the All Time Low concert in Araneta that would be taking place that September. And one of the acts for LIV3 was going to be The Maine, whose then-latest album Black and White had pretty much been a soundtrack of my senior year. 

It was pretty clear that while those of us in bandom listened to many acts, the center of our ecosystem and the band that tied us all together was The Maine. If LIV3 was the beginning of everything, Pioneer Tour was where all of it fell into place. Full fucking circle. 

I’m going to hand it over to 17-year-old Fiel from 2012 for a bit: 

You listen to a band for almost five years, and for the first three years you think you’re never going to see them live. You think you’re alone, all this time, listening to them, you think nobody else in your country gives a shit about them. Well, you know there’s got to be somebody else out there, but you don’t know how to find them. You think, “I’d do anything to hear this live.” You think, “Of course, it’s never gonna happen.” 

But somehow, unprecedented and unexpected, this band had ended up here, in my city, in my “hometown,” as pop-punk cliches go. 

You look around, and there are people who feel the exact same way you do, who love this band as much as you do. And you never thought this moment would ever come. 

And you’re there. You’re so lucky to be there. 

This was also around the time Tavi Gevinson launched her online magazine Rookie, which in turn inspired and launched several copycat youth-oriented zines—one of which was our very own Elision, ideated during an idle, random conversation we were having while waiting around for yet another Ayala Malls concert to begin. We were young enough to want to do everything and believe we could make it happen. On my blog I’d post stupid song lyric Picnik edits on pretentious pictures I took with my Nikon D3000, and for some reason they’d get hundreds of notes. As 13- to 16-year-olds we all had businesses selling one-inch wristbands, designing them ourselves and emailing suppliers to produce them for us… and getting detained by mall security for trying to sell them at a Good Charlotte show in Glorietta.

Yes, we literally made (most of) these

Now that I’m 30, I sometimes think about the Tumblr Ask I got when I was 16 that just said, You are so young. It was meant to be condescending, to tell me I didn’t know shit about anything. Of course, I only replied with a GIF of somebody blinking, unimpressed. But that was the best and worst part of growing up online, after all: getting to make mistakes, getting to start over, getting to put something out there and have it travel and reach an incredible amount of people, even if it’s not perfect. 

The whole world was my Tumblr Dashboard, and my Tumblr Dashboard was my whole world.

My online friends and I built our trust and memories as we kept seeing each other, hands held tight and moving our bodies in the dark to the backdrop of all the songs we loved, live. Gathered to share our voices and our elation and this experience that’s bigger than all of us. It went on for a couple of years, every few weeks or months. And it felt only apt to have the culmination of it be the 2013 Fall Out Boy show in Araneta, after they came back from their four-year hiatus. I had turned 19, and I was ready for something else. Everything else.  

I was at prime malleability when I was 16 to 18, waiting to be shaped into a person. I could become anyone. It was that age when the bands you listened to became part of your identity, and in my case, they literally wound up creating domino effects in every facet of my life, for the bad sometimes, but mostly for the good. My friends, my job, how I create and how my passion manifests, how I handle grief and depression. 

We were the ones who were always saying, “I was born in the wrong generation.” But years later, it feels pretty good to realize we couldn’t have been part of a more fitting, more right one all along.

Even if I was “over it all” by 2013 and we all started branching out to other interests, my online friends and I kept in touch, and it wasn’t just because we had our zine or we were still following each other on social media. We’d become IRLs, reaching a level of closeness that allowed us to know each other inside out and love each other—not friends from Tumblr or Twitter, but bona fide friends, period. Tied to each other for life by the blue-moon moments we’d been through, the way nothing else can and nobody else would understand. Organic, true, valid, although I know in my heart it’s always been that way. I had called it a scene, but it was much more than that. It was a community. 

I’ve written this so many times: We came to be in each other’s lives because we loved the same things, and now we love the same things because we’re in each other’s lives.

It’s funny and it warms my heart so much to think about how we used to joke about Ovation Production bringing ‘80s nostalgia acts, and now we were pretty much the ones going to nostalgia-bait concerts. But I’d be doing The Maine a disservice to call them nostalgia fodder, because even now, almost two decades into their career, they’re as experimental and relevant as ever. And even if I’ve moved on, they’ll never stop meaning a lot to me. 

The morning of September 29, I checked out and went home, my wristbands from the two previous nights already buried like confetti somewhere in my bag. It never stopped feeling a little strange, a little empty when the bands were gone and it was all over. “On the ride home I started to get sad,” I’d written in my journal the day after I attended some concert in 2014, ten years ago now. “I always do when [something great] ends and I get preemptively nostalgic.” 

In my room I dug high (the overhead cabinets) and low (the boxes under my bed) for any artifact I could find from when I loved The Maine the most, but I was an idiot and let them all go. I’d sold my signed albums, including the copy of Black and White I’d bought from their merch table at LIV3, when my mom had gotten sick, and the regret kind of stings. But at least I still have my autographs from the whole band—and one from William Beckett—from when I was doing my silly “project” where I collected musicians’ stripper names. This was the kind of crude faux edginess that was acceptable during peak bandom, okay!  

And I’ll always, always have that time after we’d taken our picture for the Pioneer Tour meet-and-greet session, when I was walking off to let the next person have their turn, and I hadn’t even taken a couple of steps when I heard: “Fiel!” 

I’ll let 17-year-old Fiel take this again (even though I can still pretty much recite it verbatim): 

“Yes?” I turned around and faced John, the one who had called me. By my flipping name. I was looking him right in the eye, not even aware of anything or anyone else.

“Fiel, right? How do you spell that?” John asked. “F…?” 

“F-I-E-L,” I said. 

“F-I-E-L,” John repeated with a smile. “Fiel. That’s pretty!”

I still scream into a pillow about it sometimes.  

I may not have had any expectations going in when it came to the Sweet Sixteen Tour, but it was cool to end up in the front row (off to the side, but still) during the second day. And, okay, let me just have this, but I don’t think I’m being delusional when I say that John had looked over and our eyes had met while I was singing along to “I Must Be Dreaming.” 

These photos are so bad but whatever

We locked eyes, and he pointed at me as if he remembered me from all those years ago. The sight line was so clear, and I don’t think it was meant for the rando in front of me. He’d done it before, too, during an event at the Mall of Asia in the latter half of 2012, and if my memory serves me correctly, maybe even at Fairview Terraces in 2015. 

And I honestly wouldn’t put it past him, because I know that’s the kind of sentimental person he is. 

It was so, so wonderful to watch him take the stage again and note that he’d grown up too, right along with us. I’d been a fan of his since he was 19, and he was 21 the first time I saw him live, 23 the last. He was 36 now, married, a father. A girl dad! It was crazy to see how his demeanor had changed. He took himself a bit too seriously in his 20s, like many of us do, weighed down, in his head. I wish I could’ve told him “I get it,” but it’s enough for me to have listened to his music and think, “He gets me.” Now here he was. More confident, more likely to tell dad jokes (so much dad jokes), a certain lightness to him. Like he’d finally seen what was on the other side, and he’d found that everything was going to be just fine. Still every bit the rock star. 

(It's been so strange as well to look back on these bands and realize that so many of them found success online right out of high school. They'd seemed like whole people already, but they weren't that much older than us, and they were also just figuring things out. These people were from small towns, 17 to 20, already living out of tour vans, already total pros, already writing music that will not just resonate but prove to stand the test of time. Again: that just doesn't happen anymore.) 

John at Pioneer Tour Manila in 2012

There was a tweet where a younger person was asking, “Can you imagine being a teenager in 2014? Was it really like this?” And someone had quoted it with something like, “It was great and you weren’t there and you’ll never experience it.” 

And they were being funny, but it made me stop and really reflect on it. The truth is, there’s something enviable about being a teen in every decade. I’ve missed out on so many things, and I’m only getting older, but it made me glad that this, all of it, this is what I got.